Redemption Note: Emancipate Yourself, Redeem Your Peace, Find Your Worth

“It’s self-full to be first, to be as good as possible to you. To take care of you, keep you whole and healthy. That doesn’t mean you disregard everything and everyone. But you want to come with your cup full. You know: ‘My cup runneth over.’ What comes out of the cup is for y’all. What’s in the cup is mine. But I’ve got to keep my cup full.” 

- Iyanla Vanzant

Ain’t it been a while? It has been a minute! But, I am back at dropping droplets of wi-zi-dom aka life lessons which I specialize in sharing every century or so…Mostly, because it takes a while for me to digest life’s happenings and give a name and meaning to the thoughts and feelings they create.

So it has been two years and a half, a couple of months of lots of questioning and lots of life lessons learned. Hence, the hiatus. Whahahapenned was - As my world shattered before my eyes, back then, and I had to also relocate (which meant no inspiration, no content, no photographer or shopping as I pleased - no ootd post); I needed to stop and pause, and stop running to snap, share, write or speak altogether. Poor change management, yes...maybe?

I felt like I was not “situated” within myself, I was not sure of how I felt or what I thought…I was mentally exhausted and emotionally numb, it wasn’t just being stuck but actually being completely lost, not anchored and hella scared…so what was I to share?  Confusion, hurt, anxiety and fear? That’s not perfect or empowering nor is it pretty for the readers, I was told. 
It got me thinking why are we always here to show off our best lives (which includes a picture of a morning coffee…but that’s beside the point here we are #blessed), always positive, always made up, fly and fresh,on the go, booked and busy and pretentiously having it all together - as if pain, confusion, anxiety, doubts, anger, sadness or being appalled are not normal feelings - a normal human actually experiences... So we will be picture perfect, toned down, pink and fluffy, and not relatable or authentic, in short "authentic and real" is overrated donku (donc)? Too regular, not inspirational? No?! 

Okay, lemme smile for the camera real quick and quote the fluffiest and most positive thing - like the world is a happy place, we are all blessed and fortunate! All is well beloved, all the time, yes all the time! Sorry what? Problems, struggles? Oh no darling, we do not use those words around here - say them out-loud in your head if you may, but don't let that come out, people might hear you breathing!!! (frown-able)

 "You were not born to be loved or liked or stamp-approved by the whole wide world" 

Some people will leave you, some people won't like you and some people will not stamp approve you...and that's okay! They ain't your mama anyway...

It’s so funny but a lot of the time we think that soul searching happens at a certain low point in our lives when we pack our bags and go to the Himalayas. Or just go to Kibuye (yes please, who has the money to go to Asia right now?) to reflect, meditate and find the light within and clarity for ourselves. In my opinion, soul searching, evaluating life, learning and questioning are and should be an ongoing process, executed in all patience, gentleness and humility…Because who has it “all” figured out or have full “connaissance de soi”?

The light is almost never reached, it is a continuous effort to intentionally and consciously elevate to reach it. And when it comes to clarity, it is as volatile as the rand-dollar exchange rate or the business cycle, one day we are clear about things, we are thriving and prospering, edges grown, baby hairs laid, families thriving in all areas, friendships nurturing, waists trained, love overflowing, rested as a new born, copying the higher power 5/5 24-7, hydrated as a cucumber and the next day we realize that we missed the point, got played or actually this is not working, so let’s get a new “life navigation system”.

On this journey, I have been very observant but also very spread out. In the way I process things, I first gain information, get receipts, low key keep a track record of instances (good or bad, life’s time series data anyone? And no, no grudges please just data…don’t judge) and at times I need lightning and thunder to strike, to see the danger and finally get to a point where I finally gerrit (get it). The questions to really ask myself are: am I growing, am I blooming, am I embraced? Or put in a box, fixed, regressing, suffocating and withering?

So when things happen, my first instinct is not to listen to my intuition, my heart, or trust my gut feeling. Because, it is “wiser and nicer” to first understand others, and at times maybe they need to be heard, loved, supported or their complaints or attitude make sense in their own right so who am I to negate their truth or not hear their perspective or story. So we will hear everyone else but silence ourselves?! But truly, truly not all logical, rational, chronological stories and experiences are necessarily healthy - when prescribed in large doses it will end in an overdose -. When I finally get it, I find myself spread thin sis; like girlfriend, have you ever heard of boundaries? And this is not to say that one can't be a safe space for others, but more about not forgetting to be one for ourselves first. Yes, you can be someone's safe space, but don't allow them to make you their punching bag or their pick and drop ball - bounced and dribbled around...

          

Then, as I turned 21 this year (estimate based on the current personal, societal, legal and financial definition of emancipation), I had a realization about a lot of things. One thing for sure, I wanted to really get to know me and give a chance to E to be. Be herself, her true self in true Buddhist detachment style. Not the censored E, not the one trying to fit in or please everyone E. 

Yes girl, it's okay not to be okay, it's okay to express your feelings and feel things all so deeply, yes you are entitled to your opinion (but it remains an informed one), yes your voice matters, yes you should own your truth and embrace the loud, misfit, expressive, warm, sweet and sarcastic human that you have always been.

With growing up, I also realized that I have a big heart, that I feel more than I realized and that I over give, extend myself too much (nka fimbo - elastic in kinyarwanda) and end up with an empty cup. I realized that I had been so used to dysfunction, repression, control, one-way type of relationships, being ghosted, toxic behavior and fatally frustrated humans that I ended up intoxicated and depleted.

So it became clear to me, it was time to clean up. Call this Spring Cleaning September. Some souls need to be loved from a distance, no matter the nature of the relationship or the history – if people tryna act brand new and dun flipped on you, or are wishy-washy like the wind -- we keepin’ it at arm length boo…it's okay to abandon what consistently hurts and depletes you, there is no reason to go by loyalty towards broken promises and negativity... 

If you can easily trust others, trust yourself too (actually, first!)

This, so attractive thing, called pain and this yearning to be Jesus and fix all the problems of the world gotta go. Joy, Laughter, Realness, Consistency and Tasteful Ratchetness now that’s my new kind of crush. I learned, I shouldn’t pay myself a free.99 guilt-trip whenever I say no or cut some people off without notice or walk away from circumstances that are stunting my growth or stifling me up… It has finally become a necessity to put myself first, at the cost of no longer being the “bigger and nicer” but always drained person. That shit overrated!

It’s a conscious and consistent effort to show up for myself and protect my peace, secure my mental and emotional well-being. 

I am growing and blooming luv, enjoy! 

Intellectualized Faith

Dear God,

I wished I was writing a love letter to you, full of rapturous worship and ecstatic praises…but no.

There is a rupture in my soul.

My spirit might be dismantling too.

I won't talk about my body, it gave up a long time ago (but am drinking lots of water and eating fruits and vegetables to stay put).

Rejoice at all times and in all circumstances, they say, especially when going through trials and tribulations….My problem with that, though, is that I wouldn’t be acknowledging the human experience that is pain….I cannot cover up a wound with just a scripture and keep walking with a smile, because Hallelujah life is great! What about being in touch with the reality I am going through? How can I heal from what I haven't acknowledged and/or felt?

Yes, pain has made me question your presence; at the worst it made me question your benevolence too.

I cannot hide the fact that I feel misled and abandoned. If you could abandon Christ at the cross, who am I, Lord? Who am I? Why were you silent when I faced humiliation, loneliness and agony? 

At least Jesus was warned; he knew that he will die. He knew that he will face pain. He agreed to the eventuality of what was awaiting him. Well, I wouldn’t have agreed to endure the things that were awaiting me. Not shame again, not fear again, not anything that would break me to the core, again! 

I wished I was notified, perhaps with thunder, or one or two angels or a scripture, something, anything.

I am greatly tempted to rely on my own understanding, because maybe science, maybe psychology, maybe the basic premises of existentialism or even rationality could explain what is happening to me. They may not tell me why it's happening, the purpose behind the pain but at least they don’t promise any end; certainly not that it will work out for my good. There are no promises, therefore there are no expectations and my hope won’t be stirred up for nothing.

I felt fearless during those blissful spiritual moments, only to wake up in cold sweats and greeting anxiety. I found myself in a pit of darkness, so I walked around the edges of life holding on nothing but just the breath that came out of my being. It didn’t matter that time healed everything or that endurance produced character, and character produced hope. What is hope, when life is real and you are just trying to make it through the next minute?

I tried though. I read that we should seek you but I am not even sure that I know where to look or what to look for. I casted my care on you but my thoughts were submerged with fear and confusion of what is, what is not, what will become. What was real, what was an illusion? What is happening? Bubble burst. Are you there? Do you hear the whispers of my frail prayers? Do you even care?

Sometimes it bothers me that we cannot question you, simply because you are sovereign. 

Are you really just? I guess this shades a lot of light on my shattered faith or am intellectualizing you? Again!

What to do when you are going through the toughest time of your life

As humans we go through different things, some more painful than others. Sometimes it hurts so much that we don’t know where to look or what to do. Problems can emanate from absolutely anywhere, it can be health wise, financial, physical, psychological or emotional. Whatever the case, pain is something we cannot escape in life. Personally, 2016 has been the hardest year of my life as my health was compromised. I found myself at the bottom of the pit and struggled to get out of it. Although physically I was healing faster than expected, emotionally and psychologically I had a dark cloud lurking on top of my head. Usually, I am a tough cookie but this time it was beyond me, beyond what I thought I could handle. But what is surprising is our God given strength, truly if something doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger. As long as there is breath in you, you are an overcomer. So what to do when it hurts the most?

• ·     Hold onto God, the man upstairs is actually real, and although He may allow certain things to happen, the bad things don’t come from Him. So instead of wondering why it happened and why you, learn to walk with Him and let Him give you and be your strength. Get into the habit of calling upon Him whenever it hurts or when you are hopeless.
• ·         Get back to praying, it gets you halfway to your recovery.
• ·       Believe deep down in your heart that although it may be dark right now, you can get through this, Jesus came down to earth so that you may have life and have it in abundance. So believe that what is ahead is better. It’s gonna be a brighter day and joy comes in the morning.
• ·         Take it one hour at a time. Celebrate the small victories, it’s hard to get out of bed when you are hurting. If you find yourself awake, breathe and believe that it will all go well for the next hours you will be awake.
• ·       If you are a Christian, keep some scriptures close to your heart. Remind yourself that no weapon formed against you shall prosper. Remind yourself that God is for you and loves you, that He will find you at your point of need and will never leave you nor forsake you.
• ·        Do something nice for someone else, it helps to feel better about yourself. Even if all you would do is smile and say good morning to the security, you are changing the world with kindness and politeness. 
• ·         Let music brighten your day.
• ·       Just like Job, remember that there is double (awaiting) for every trouble you may have encountered.
• ·         Watch out for bitterness, envy and comparison not to creep into your soul. Everyone has a load they are carrying. If yours seems heavy, surely it’s because you are tough; but it’s no better on the other side of town.
• ·         Don’t give up on you! Keep fighting even when you can’t anymore, do it one more time.

Be encouraged, love and light!

The necessity of gratitude

The past 6 months have been the hardest months of my entire existence. I have been through trials and tribulations I had never thought I’d go through in a million years. Basically life happened and it was not sweet. In the midst of that pain, I realized how important gratitude is. Pain has the tendency to render one self-centered while gratitude has a way of bringing healing.  

When one is going through a tough time it’s easy to be hopeless, helpless and aggravated. The outcome of it all is that the pain is magnified and we easily lose sight of the good things that could be happening around us. When Oh my Lord the sky is falling, the world is coming to an end and everything is doomed; that’s when gratitude becomes indispensable.

Gratitude becomes indispensable as it brings back a ray of hope. It starts with being grateful for the small things. It’s crazy how many people, out there, do not have a warm meal or a shelter. So many other people do not have a family they can rely on, friends to support them. Others do not have the freedom you may have. By being grateful for all those small things, joy can find its way back into your life. Where sorrow had siege, happiness can find its way. So forget not to give thanks for what you have, it will bring a little light in the midst of darkness. 

Heels: The Fix

Dress: Legit

Love and Light!

Godfidence vs confidence

Hello there!

Today I am having a little talk on spirituality: Godfidence versus (self) confidence. 

Confidence is described as “a state of being certain either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct or that a chosen course of action is the best most effective.”  The most important aspect of the definition is certainty. Confidence and self-confidence are associated with exactitude: knowing that what you know stands as true and that it will happen. Godfidence on the other hand is the confidence that God exist, that He is for you and that He will do what He promised to do. Godfidence is the fuel to my life, because as a human there are aspects and areas in my life where self-confidence is not sufficient. Self-confidence and confidence can only take you so far. Both can cover up when it comes to your area of expertise or when it comes to showcasing your talents. There is a certainty and exactitude associated with the fact that whatever task you are good at will be executed with excellence. In fact for some of the things, you may be able to do them with your eyes closed, no pressure, no wahala!

While it’s good and healthy to be confident and self-confident, Godfidence is the best option. Godfidence is the best option because it will find you in the pit of inadequacy and call you qualified. Godfidence will find you in a moment of anxiety and calm the storm, simply by knowing that the God you pray to listens and will never forsake you. Godfidence finds you at your last minute of despair and turns sadness into joy. When self-confidence cannot carry you further than what you know, Godfidence equips you with reassurance that He who is in you is greater than this who in this world. Godfidence reminds you that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

Godfidence goes beyond your educational background, your connections and abilities and stretches from walking by sight to walking by faith. It goes beyond the present and stretches to your future, giving you hope and spurring some excitement for what is to come, turning present knowledge into future expectation. The good thing about being expectant with God is that He comes through for you, even when you least expect it, even when your circumstances look otherwise. Godfidence gives more energy and power; knowing that by faith, you can access God through prayer and that He has heard you. Luke 4: 35 says it best “So do not throw away your confidence, it will be richly rewarded because we belong to those who have faith and are saved”. Therefore it is important to know where we place our confidence, either in ourselves or in God. I don’t know about you; but for me, I’d rather place it in God whom abounds in love, care and great plans for our lives. There is so much one can achieve with God than on their own.

Shirt-dress: Cotton On

Shoes: Zara

Scarf: Thrifted

Earrings: Inzuki

Victorious

Hello there! Today I thought of sharing a poem of encouragement, one that will strengthen you if you are going through tough times. Thank God for spirituality that carries through our storms and trials. Nothing says authority and strength like a suit, same authority God gave us to become overcomers. 

Victory

I claim victory

Even in the middle of despair

I know I am victorious

Even when life gets tough, and there is no air

I claim victory

For He who is in me called me repaired, and victorious

Victory

He called me by name and all things in repair

Brand new creation

Even when it’s dark, I trust in his intentions

He calls me for my blessings and says declare

Declare victory

Declare love, life and abundance

But remember to start with repentance

No money, no works, just grace

It’s a godly ascension

Washed from transgression

Perfect love that casts out all my fear,

Although I have been broken to pieces, He moulds me back with no crack no tear

All my grievance gone, no tears

The great I am leads me from glory to glory

Changing my past to a future imprint in history

He calls me for restoration

He fills my heart with compassion

He will never fail me, I know his intentions

He welcomes me with open arms, no repression

Even if shun out by the world, He will never forsake me, no rejection

I do it all for his glory, for he gives me peace surpassing comprehension

He elevates me to another dimension

Through his blood I am made perfection

Blazer: thrifted

Pants: Legit

Heels; The Fix

Sunglasses: Spitfire

love & light

The Purposelessness of perfection

During my first classes of sewing, I found myself battling with the perfectionist in me. Although, being a perfectionist may come in handy at times, it is also very distractive and destructive if not handled with care. I had to do a shirt’s cuff four times, until I got it right. Moreover, while I was inserting oversized sleeves onto the bodice, I couldn’t do it with accuracy. I started feeling overwhelmed by a feeling of despair and annoyance, as to why I couldn’t stitch the thing in a straight line and I was too tired to unpick it for the third time. In my despair I went to speak to my lecturer (a mighty woman of God with a heart of gold -if you dig deep enough to get to know her-). She is one of the most amazing humans I have ever come across. So I went to her in panic mode since the deadline was close and this sample wasn’t sewn to perfection. I felt defeated and told her how I thought that maybe I wasn’t good at this, maybe I wasn’t talented enough I should have stuck with Macroeconomics. She said ‘be careful about how you speak to yourself’. I took a moment to let that sink in. I mean I had been sewing for just 2 days, what did I expect?

There was perfectionism standing between me and my dreams. Perfectionism is an ill, a hindrance to progress. I found myself angry at myself for not being accurate, soon enough I was impatient and I let doubt creep in. The problem with zooming in on the negative is that you get stuck with a negative image of yourself. You zoom in on the weakness, obstacles and challenges. These feelings soon enough turn into doubts and doubts turn into fear. The moment fear succumbs your being, you are overwhelmed and life becomes a blur, and just like that you can give up on your dreams. Instead of giving into my fears, I decided to sew a top with no pattern. It wasn't perfect but for the sake of progress I did it. One has to conquer their fear of inadequacy and seize the opportunity when it presents itself.

Although practice makes perfect, even if you are a result driven person like me, there are a few life lessons to learn:

1. ·   It’s important not to undermine small beginnings- there lays the gold of knowledge from mistakes and the stamina of a dream chaser.
2. ·         It’s important to be grateful for the glass before you see it as half full or half empty.
3. ·         It’s important to not overlook small victories and milestones, be grateful for those.
4. ·         It’s important to not be scared to fail. Failure is part of the process, the earlier you conquer the fear of failure, the higher the chances of succeeding.
5. ·         Think of the most efficient way you can overcome a challenge instead of giving into panic and anxiety.
6. ·         Give it your all or don’t do it at all.
7. ·         If you have big dreams and aspirations, there shall never be perfect conditions. If you are to start losing weight, a business, quit a bad habit, break up with an abusive person, do it now.
8. ·         Be disciplined, self-control is crucial, join the army if need be (just joking).
9. ·         Break down your goals into short-term goals and work towards the big picture.
10. ·         Live one day at a time, just so you may not feel overwhelmed with the worries of tomorrow.
11. ·         Start small, start slowly, but start.
12. ·         Believe in your magic, a setback is not the end of your story.
13. ·         Like the little boy, in the bible, who fed 5000 men out of 5 loaves; do not despise your humble beginnings and what can come out of the little you have. 

Shirt: Thrifted

Blazer: Thrifted

Boots: Mr Price

                                                         Love and Light!!!