“It’s self-full to be
first, to be as good as possible to you. To take care of you, keep you whole
and healthy. That doesn’t mean you disregard everything and everyone. But you
want to come with your cup full. You know: ‘My cup runneth over.’ What comes
out of the cup is for y’all. What’s in the cup is mine. But I’ve got to keep my
cup full.”
- Iyanla
Vanzant
Ain’t it been a while? It has been a minute! But, I am back at dropping droplets
of wi-zi-dom aka life lessons which I specialize in sharing every century or so…Mostly,
because it takes a while for me to digest life’s happenings and give a name and meaning to the thoughts and feelings they create.
So it has been two years
and a half, a couple of months of lots of questioning and lots of life
lessons learned. Hence, the hiatus. Whahahapenned was - As my world shattered before my eyes, back
then, and I had to also relocate (which meant no inspiration, no content, no photographer
or shopping as I pleased - no ootd post); I needed to stop and pause, and stop running to snap,
share, write or speak altogether. Poor change management, yes...maybe?
I felt like I was not “situated” within myself, I was not sure
of how I felt or what I thought…I was mentally exhausted and emotionally numb,
it wasn’t just being stuck but actually being completely lost, not anchored and
hella scared…so what was I to share? Confusion,
hurt, anxiety and fear? That’s not perfect or empowering nor is it pretty for the
readers, I was told.
It got me thinking why are we always here to show off our best lives (which includes a picture of a morning coffee…but that’s beside the point here we are #blessed), always positive, always made up, fly and fresh,on the go, booked and busy and pretentiously having it all together - as if pain, confusion, anxiety, doubts, anger, sadness or being appalled are not normal feelings - a normal human actually experiences... So we will be picture perfect, toned down, pink and fluffy, and not relatable or authentic, in short "authentic and real" is overrated donku (donc)? Too regular, not inspirational? No?!
It got me thinking why are we always here to show off our best lives (which includes a picture of a morning coffee…but that’s beside the point here we are #blessed), always positive, always made up, fly and fresh,on the go, booked and busy and pretentiously having it all together - as if pain, confusion, anxiety, doubts, anger, sadness or being appalled are not normal feelings - a normal human actually experiences... So we will be picture perfect, toned down, pink and fluffy, and not relatable or authentic, in short "authentic and real" is overrated donku (donc)? Too regular, not inspirational? No?!
Okay, lemme smile for the camera real quick and quote the fluffiest and most positive thing - like the world is a happy place, we are all blessed and fortunate! All is well beloved, all the time, yes all the time! Sorry what? Problems, struggles? Oh no darling, we do not use those words around here - say them out-loud in your head if you may, but don't let that come out, people might hear you breathing!!! (frown-able)
"You were not born to be loved or liked or stamp-approved by the whole wide world"
Some people will leave you, some people won't like you and some people will not stamp approve you...and that's okay! They ain't your mama anyway...
It’s so funny but a
lot of the time we think that soul searching happens at a certain low point in
our lives when we pack our bags and go to the Himalayas. Or just go to Kibuye
(yes please, who has the money to go to Asia right now?) to reflect, meditate
and find the light within and clarity for ourselves. In my opinion, soul
searching, evaluating life, learning and questioning are and should be an ongoing process,
executed in all patience, gentleness and humility…Because who has it “all” figured out or have full “connaissance de soi”?
The light is almost
never reached, it is a continuous effort to intentionally and consciously
elevate to reach it. And when it comes to clarity, it is as volatile as the rand-dollar
exchange rate or the business cycle, one day we are clear about things, we are
thriving and prospering, edges grown, baby hairs laid, families thriving in all areas, friendships nurturing,
waists trained, love overflowing, rested as a new born, copying the higher
power 5/5 24-7, hydrated as a cucumber and the next day we realize that we
missed the point, got played or actually this is not working, so let’s get a new “life
navigation system”.
On this journey, I have been very observant but also very spread
out. In the way I process things, I first gain information, get receipts, low
key keep a track record of instances (good or bad, life’s time series data
anyone? And no, no grudges please just data…don’t judge) and at times I need
lightning and thunder to strike, to see the danger and finally get to a point where I finally gerrit (get it). The questions to really ask myself are: am I
growing, am I blooming, am I embraced? Or put in a box, fixed, regressing, suffocating and withering?
So when things happen, my first instinct is not to listen to my
intuition, my heart, or trust my gut feeling. Because, it is “wiser and nicer”
to first understand others, and at times maybe they need to be heard, loved,
supported or their complaints or attitude make sense in their own right so who
am I to negate their truth or not hear their perspective or story. So we will hear everyone else but silence ourselves?! But truly, truly not all
logical, rational, chronological stories and experiences are necessarily
healthy - when prescribed in large doses it will end in an overdose -. When I
finally get it, I find myself spread thin sis; like girlfriend, have you ever
heard of boundaries? And this is not to say that one can't be a safe space for others, but more about not forgetting to be one for ourselves first. Yes, you can be someone's safe space, but don't allow them to make you their punching bag or their pick and drop ball - bounced and dribbled around...
Then, as I turned 21 this year (estimate based on the current
personal, societal, legal and financial definition of emancipation), I had a realization
about a lot of things. One thing for sure, I wanted to really get to know me
and give a chance to E to be. Be herself, her true self in true Buddhist
detachment style. Not the censored E, not the one trying to fit in or please
everyone E.
Yes girl, it's okay not to be okay, it's okay to express your feelings and feel things all so deeply, yes you are entitled to your opinion (but it remains
an informed one), yes your voice matters, yes you should own your truth and embrace the loud, misfit, expressive,
warm, sweet and sarcastic human that you have always been.
With growing up, I also realized that I have a big heart, that I feel more
than I realized and that I over give, extend myself too much (nka fimbo - elastic in kinyarwanda) and
end up with an empty cup. I realized that I had been so used to dysfunction,
repression, control, one-way type of relationships, being ghosted, toxic behavior and fatally frustrated humans
that I ended up intoxicated and depleted.
So it became clear to me, it was time to clean up. Call this Spring Cleaning September. Some souls need to be loved from a
distance, no matter the nature of the relationship or the history – if people
tryna act brand new and dun flipped on you, or are wishy-washy like the wind -- we keepin’ it at arm length boo…it's okay to abandon what consistently hurts and depletes you, there is no reason to go by loyalty towards broken promises and negativity...
If you can easily trust others, trust yourself too (actually, first!)
This, so attractive thing, called pain and this yearning to be Jesus and fix all the
problems of the world gotta go. Joy, Laughter, Realness, Consistency and Tasteful
Ratchetness now that’s my new kind of crush. I learned, I shouldn’t pay myself a
free.99 guilt-trip whenever I say no or cut some people off without
notice or walk away from circumstances that are stunting my growth or stifling me up… It has finally become a necessity to put myself first, at the cost of no longer being the “bigger and nicer” but always drained person. That shit overrated!
It’s a
conscious and consistent effort to show up for myself and protect my peace,
secure my mental and emotional well-being.
I am growing
and blooming luv, enjoy!
McofboPcontyo Kelly Smith Here
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