Searching for clues

Searching for clues

Heart painted blue

Mind filled with a list of dues

Nothing goes unseen

Nothing will not be hidden

Nothing will go unspoken

All of it, even the broken

The adorned was no longer a token

I thought, well that means nothing will be unpunished

The tarnished, the blemished

Eye for an eye, well deserved

Perfection has to be preserved

Who cares if progress is happening, control over all things has to be observed

All has to be paid for, maybe this redemption must be earned

Darkness judged

My sentence and time has to be purged

So I suffocated, mostly exhausted, to despair I turned

Till I touched grace

It changed my fate

First time touching forgiveness

It felt foreign to my face

I had to stop relying on my ignorance

Oh how much reasoning and self confidence

Rationality and logic, I gave it all the importance

But how could I be so confident yet my plans couldn't take me the whole distance

Out of breathe, impossible was the race

Sustained perfection and strength, it's all pretense

I am not that strong, I don't even have it all under control

Too frail to hold water or anything more 

I needed to get to a place of surrender for the survivor in me, only in your embrace

At the door I glared at the self and all over her these scary traces

I pleaded grace

Then for a minute I touched heaven

In a second I tasted your love

That was a change for a life time

Free, I had to pay no price, do no time

Suddenly my bags weighed less

Surrendering made me stress less

Not that I became brainless

Coz it's not about what I do, is it?

It has more to do with my intentions, isn't it?

What I feed my soul, what I produce from the inside, therefore it's actually about who I am?

Less precautions

Since my limitations were no caution

I couldn't escape the truth nor settle with my incarceration

I just rebuked deception

Now there came sweet redemption

Medicated by life, you healed me with love on prescription

Put me on a ride to promotion

No, actually benediction

I accepted my humanity and wore humility, so where you lead me shall be my destination

The way you see me, my description

No need for an audition or universally correct perception

What matters is that I eventually reach my full potential, completion

Thank you for reading and for following up the September series of my attempt at poetry :)

Cape Blazer: On the line (Superbalist)

Jeans: Cotton On

Scarf: From my sister's closet (you are meeting her soon, in the next posts)

Jersey Tee: Woolworth (actually a gift)

Heels: Fashion Express

Clutch: YDE

Inhale and exhale, even if you don't have it all figured out..it's going to be okay

Dear me, dare me!

Dear me

Dear me, not so little anymore but still a lil girl on the inside

You don't ever have to pretend

Thinking that you are defended

Defended by the silence imposed to your emotions, feelings inhibited

Even if they don't understand your mind, be on your own side

Feelings shattered, voiced shut, you are not meant to be following every coming wind

Have a grip little girl

Have a grip to stand still

Stand on the side if it's needed, but remain still even when you are ripped apart

You don't have to dim your light to be in the part

Part of the preexisting evolution of confusion

All the anger, all the abuse and resentment, let it not be called love seen in an illusion

Or some will say it's a love and stability kind of fusion

But hurting yourself is no redemption

Little girl, you do not have warm up everyone else for the sake of saving yourself

Selflessness is not thinking less of the self

Nor is it selfish to retract from anything that doesn't build you up

Help you grow up

You don't have to get to a point where you blow up

Little girl brighten up

Shine to your lil light

Keep on walking light

Let go

Let it go

Let it all go

Slowly but let it all go still

You do not have to be a pillar to redeem your frailness

Nothing can feel up that emptiness

It takes crucifixion to deny the past self to reach fullness

Ease into your self little girl

Phase off the bitterness

Most like regrets and mea culpas, being stuck in the past is useless

Be brave for yourself, not for the sake of those who turned you into a case

Let it all go, decide what will form you and lead yourself to where your heart is

Your own light and fresh breeze

Don't hold on to the tease

You are more, you need more, you are created for more

Top: YDE

Skirt: Mr Price

Socks: Woolworths

Heels: Utopia

Necklace: La Belle

Metamorphosis

Metamorphosis

Thank you for not letting me settle for iniquity

You see my past made me believe that I represented iniquity

My present filled with frailty

Impersonating fear and emptiness I gave away to mediocrity

Swayed by false humility

Decisions made on meager scrutiny

I barely survived on spiritual and emotional poverty

Ridicule sanity

The darkness is maybe not too bad a place, I saw change as the ultimate adversary 

But no, you had to see the real me and remind me that I am a lioness meant to roar

An eagle to soar

My fears told me, nah you can't make it, your legs are way too short for the distance

Have I forgotten your omnipotence?

I am too small for the greatness of these heights

Am I  too numbed by pain to see your importance?

Holding onto pain, I told you I am not fit for this God

I am not ready for the outpouring of your embrace

I am barely getting out of bed, I can't even face my own face

Love so relentless

You refused to feed my anxieties, because you never intended for me to abide in inferiority

You led me to dig unto me the treasure of the your divinity

You didn't give up on me or forsake me

Even when I gave up on me

You said give it all up to me, the ugly and the beautiful, just be true to me

Waiting on me to pick the right reaction and make the sound decision

You waited patiently, because real love is allowing me to have a free will

Holding me still

Even if it opposes my nature, your relentless and never ending endurance, you remain rooted in your truth for me 

Still I remained lost, hurting but shoving all those feelings into oblivion

Well because maybe my brain was to small for all that terrible dominion

Logic and reason is supreme, isn't it, my head works where my heart always gave up anyway

Little did I even know what a heart was or less of what it is to be used for, so faithless

You found me in a pit and you lightened me up, set me free to be on my way

Your light, so bright, so strong, my darkness got lit

Yes you done did it

Layer by layer, got rid of it

Just because I lived life, walked a crooked path and got beaten by imperfection

You did not love me any less

Instead you saw me as blameless

So forward I will press

Forward child, forward you go to your greatness

But all the glory is yours, you turned the empty into wholeness

May love water your soul, garden your heart, empower you to be alive and smile!

Shirt: gift

Skirt: Mr Price

Leather tights: Mr Price

Shoes: Superbalist

Bag: gift (Aldo)

Handmade Jewelry: Inzuki

Sunglasses: YDE

Mother Supreme

In homage and reverence to the force of nature that is my mother!!!

Mother Supreme

You are the earth that grounds me

The sky that elevates me to transcend to the higher me

Your love lights into me, and into me I can therefore see

Your words are the beauty of flowers

Like a rose, they remind me that the harshness of this world should not harm my softness

Just because I have scars of thorns, there is still beauty and gentleness within me

And such beauty I shall honor, for I am a flower worth watering in the midst of weeds of racing thoughts

Your love is healing, a wonderful scent that my mind should enclose, 

Just like to your heart you hold me close

You are the sun that keeps me warm

the moon that holds me down

Your river of inexhaustible warmth and life supplies endless energy from the core within me

You are the spring of my life

Renaissance in its own essence

Your being holds the sense of me

You help me make sense of my boldness

You take away all doubts and feed my fearlessness

You keep me going

You keep me rising 

You are light

You are love embodied in a mystical paradigm of a myriad complexities

I am glad to be engulfed in you

To be birthed by you

To be known by you

To be loved by you

You are supreme!

From a human doing to a human being

Hello beautiful lil lights in each of you !!!!

So today I want to approach a thing I often struggled with and I am sure some of  you probably struggled with it too or have seen people around you do....The "thing" is the concept of self-perception whereby instead of seeing myself as a soul, a person, a living creature or a person, I insisted on seeing myself as a human doing and often identified with what I am to be professionally or what I am currently doing....Then I had an aha moment in the midst of the madness, which made me realize that I wasn't only putting a lot of pressure on myself, trying to control everything, wanting everything perfect (as if I can control and gauge the unpredictable things in life), I was also limiting the light in me, I am much more than a career, a profession, a position, etc..

As much as it is important to pride yourself in being a hard worker, have a sense of effort and purpose and simply not being lazy all day er'day, we are first and foremost human being not human doings...There is so much more to offer than what you skillfully provide to the world, from what you have learned in school or the practical skills you learned at work, there is a soul inside of you, there is a spirit that has so much to offer to the world. What the soul and spirit in you has to offer counts much more than the skills you have, in the sense that whatever you do, if you are not kind to others, if you are not loving towards other, if you do your job reluctantly or overly allow it to define who you are, you can easily lose the treasures you have inside, you can lose yourself and totally be dehumanized..

One impediment that comes with identifying ourselves as a profession is that it can take over ourselves to the point where we lose ourselves. I tend to imagine what would be left if I was stripped of any title, award, job, career, opportunity, what would be left of me? Your job/your career can totally take over your life to the point where you get off balance, to the point where you lose your relationships, become lonely and alone, intentionally secluded and unhealthy. The sad part is that if you die tomorrow, the company can always find a replacement. 

The second problem that comes with identifying ourselves as human doings is that you can easily be trapped in comparisons birthing unhealthy competition, yet there will always be someone brighter, stronger, more creative and more successful than you. Besides for a long time and most times you might not even get any sort of recognition, reward, acceptance, or be included in a certain "group" you hoped to be part of by choosing a certain career or by doing certain things to get there; reason being that those relationships formed would not come from a  genuine and sincere place and people can sense it. Moreover anything requires time to mature and be excellent, everything requires to go through a process.

 Thirdly, you can easily grow weary and tired when you see yourself as a human doing, for the simple reason that you are prone to taking everything so personal, be afraid of failure and no one is ever perfect or does everything perfectly at all times, we need to remember to be humble, to be eager to learn and to grow and transform each and every time; and that sometimes requires one to slow down, accept the fall and dust yourself off , learn something new and keep it moving. 

Lastly, being a human doing brings a false sense of security, you may think that you will hold a certain position forever, you may think that for sure you worked hard enough compared to so and so and yet not get your promotion and soon enough you might be bitter and angry when yet there is more for you outside (every rejection is actually a form of protection). You might even be laid off any time, you might even be depressed if a certain project does not get as much success. So let us free ourselves from all these boxes, titles and things we try to bind our souls with, let us not limit ourselves to one thing or idea of ourselves, there is a myriad of things in us we need to explore be we can't find all these treasures when we don't go beyond the shallow waters of the surface of our being...

As a recovered control freak, ex perfectionist yet a firm believer of excellence, this is not a call to slack at work or school because you are trying to be a being more than doing your work, this is a call to unburden your soul, be grateful for every opportunity you are given and appreciate it, strive for more...However be conscious enough to not allow your work to take away your soul, your spirit and who you are....As Erykah Badu said it "Bag Lady, pack light".

Shawl/vest: Cotton On

Polo Neck: random shop

Pants: Woolworth

Shoes: Fashion Express

Remember to smile, remember to be yourself, remember to treasure your joy...