And From Tracing My Roots, I Traced the Cracks and Mended Self Whole

Honeyyyysss and Bunnnniiieees,

Good sis is back with some press, because a bish been majorly pressed hunnnaaaayyyy-bun! Chileeeee’ this one’s a lot, edges, eyebrows, eyelids and moustaches have been tried!!!!!!! This one is even packaged with anxiety as much as you shall kiki and haha here and there - because in the face of adversity pain is to be felt and at times to be carried with laughter because what was we doing thuuur doe?! It’s saddening that I had deleted the former blog post ‘truth hurts, don’t be shocked if you get hurt’ I wrote last year, because Socio-boo can make you second guess your IQ, your intuition and reality altogether. But guess what – my intuition been there, just learning to validate it because the aliens brought it back….

Anyways, isn’t it our way to heal, if not to share life lessons whenever we have made sense of whatever madness we had been in?! But let me start by giving a soundtrack to this movie that has been the past 12 months, Beyoncé – Hold Up and Lizzo – Truth Hurts. As per the usual, music is healing, and music ironically and amusingly speaks on my behalf – hence me putting emphasis on lyrics and melodies. So grab your popcorn or your glass of wine or cup of tea ‘coz it’s about to be soulful and a bit funny ‘coz I been Booboo La Fool in these Streets and Stweets  shan – where a clown earns $51k a year, I been wearing the costume for free.99 for a whole gaddam year (but ain’t it the entire Kigali doe #AskingForFwends)?

That ain’t even all of it, because this movie can be given another soundtrack to it and it’s either Nonso Amadi – Kwasia or Beyoncé – Sorry, because in all of this my grinding was interrupted majorly but thank goodness it was not lost (Universe always saves you at the right time, because the energy you emit saves you and protects you. Karma is so real - just as the physic rule that posits that energy is only transformed, not created or destroyed - It will all come back full circle how you planted it). 

But let’s get to it? Why am I writing this blogpost? I think most of my posts are life lessons that I share as I live, love and learn. And this one is to be spoken about because too often we do have or meet and date sociopaths, too often we do get lost in the dizziness of the shuffles that are ‘feel good to the plan is destruction darling’ – an emotional rollercoaster. The two main indicators that you have encountered a sociopath is the psychology of these individuals and their behaviour which are characterized by a few descriptive points such as: lack of remorse and shame when called out on their messiness, projection of blame, guilt tripping others about personal toxic traits that are called out, no respect for boundaries, lack of moral compass, impulsiveness and irresponsibility, glorified and romanticized antisocial behaviour and illegal/risky practices that are done supposedly because of others and not because of a personal decision as a grown up, pathological lying as if no lie – no breathing occurs, etc.

As we begin this class, let’s start with the 101 when the manipulation begins – it starts with gaslighting, which will occur in private because the public and whatever happens there is a liability. Hence those who live hidden, leaving no trace, live well -because in the darkness no one will show you the light so you are free to manipulate, control and justify the intensities of your extremes using someone's pain to your profit - but still call it "love" (co-dependence named after interdependence) but could shallow wells have the range?!

“A Gaslighters is a master deflector. No matter what promise they've made and broken, no matter what they've done that is straight up wrong, no matter what words they've said that have hurt you to the core, if you confront them about it, they will:

·        act like they don't know what you are talking about;

·        try and make you feel like you are exaggerating or that you're being childish or petty and/or;

·        find some kind of excuse to make you feel guilty for bringing the issue(s) up in the first place.

What all of this basically boils down to is they refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. The main problem with this is, anyone who doesn't want to be held accountable in life is someone who is not only not emotionally mature enough for a real relationship, but they're also someone who will probably hurt you over and over again. Gaslighters are so arrogant that rarely do they see the need to.” – xonecole.com

On the 212 of this class, Sociopaths are different from Psychopaths, because it’s all learned behavior  for the case of Sociopaths – possible due to childhood circumstances, which then requires attention to heal from – because charm can only carry you from KH to KBC and it’s not okay to hurt people just because you have been hurt. But the news flash from Sociopaths is that they will hurt, use and abuse you with no remorse at all.  Forget that apology because it will never come forth – in fact ‘you are the cause of all that is wrong in the/their world’. Henceforth, no goodbye, no closure required – just keeps aladat moving to greener pastures and healthier and cleaner energies in your realm/energy field. 

            

12 Lessons for 12 months dating a Sociopath and 24 months confiding in two Narcissists at different times:

1. Neediness and Clinginess to Camouflage the Lack of Will To Give Back Or Be Responsible- Accompanied by threats to their own life which does interrupt your grinding, because all the attention has to be on them, where and when they need it. So, co-dependency is watered and witnessed. At times it’s hard to make sense of things in the beginning but as time goes you see that what’s being asked and done are far from healthy. For example, imagine that you need to pay your rent, but all of a sudden, the person needs an amount close to your rent ‘for an emergency’ – which you then discover that it was used to buy a new phone instead of paying rent.
2. Prey Trapping – Sociopaths are strategic about who they surround themselves with or perform attraction to. Often times, the more visible, the more emancipated, the more outspoken – the better for them because it then becomes an attractive challenge. The agenda is to tame and destroy a person to irreconcilable and unrecognisable lengths. They first google you, ask pertinent question about your past and you, conduct a full diagnosis of feel good and feel bad. Then they make impulsive and bold statements to lock you down and take as much as possible, once they have gained all that they want or needed from you.  
3. Guilt-Trip You To Trap You Into Isolation – everything in their world is wrong because of you and at times some of your personal traumas are used against you, so be careful enough to not overshare in the beginning of the relationship/friendship. As my Dad loves to say “the true measure of love is time” – is the person intentionally loving you throughout or it is dependent on whether you are being of utility and use. Is the person listening with deep compassion and showing efforts to see how two can meet in the middle? If what is asked is not given, there goes punishment with retracted affection, personal boundaries are overstepped and/or you find yourself apologizing when you haven’t done anything wrong or you stick around to be better or do better by them.
4. Exaggeration in Romantic and Friendship Relationships – Sociopaths and Narcissist play with your strings on the basis that ‘without you, no air is inhaled’ – your necessity is as grandiose as the relief programs for Covid-19 in developing countries. They shall tell you that you are the air and sun in the universe, even the water because without you their life is no more, but when present you and the couches are one and the same.
5. The Need To Control And Double Standards – To outsiders, you probably seem like perfection, peanut butter and jelly; because affection spikes in public and is non-existent in private. This technique is to continue carrying on the make believe but to also ensure that they know who and what you are doing because the basket of insecurities is overflowing, hence the need to control because they are well cognisant and conscious that you are deserving of better, more fulfilling and healthier encounters.
6. They Want You Most When You Are Not There - So there goes 3 calls in an hour, texts about sensitive topics whenever with someone better requiring immediate attention, accusations of infidelity, weird ass requests such as send me the pictures before you post them on Instagram…Like daffuq?! What is autonomy, independence of being – cyangwa ubyumvira mubihuha?
7. Refuse To Be Held Accountable And Apologize For Their Wrong Doings – Especially when it comes to other people’s pain. It is always a laughingstock or kunompfesha as if there is anything to be proud about when belittling others and minimizing their pain. When called out look at them twisting and justifying their acts in the name of ‘misguided empathy’. As if empathy is something a shallow well can feel – niggguuurz puliz….
8. Use And Abuses You To A Point Of Diming Your Light To Extinction - As they look for the new prey and prepare you mentally, unless you are grounded enough in your worth – death might as well be the final outcome- so if this sounds too familiar bounce with the quickness child and do never look back or else you open the door to abuse again. 
9. Make Believe Through Life, Because the Core Lacks Substance and The Coherence is Non-Existent – it’s all bluff and fluff- sheep in wolf’s clothes. The relationship status is never clear or coherent for you and others. What is confirmed and affirmed behind close doors is a sudden source of anxiety and panic in public. Go figure! The words, actions and intentions will always not go together. At some point kwinyuraguramo eventually comes up. The lack of clarity can last years if you ain’t brave to know exactly what you deserve and leave whenever healthy love is no longer served. At the end of the day, we all deserve a love with no betrayal, a love that is reciprocal, intentional and fulfils you with clarity, consistency and coherence in private and public. Or wait – that’s dreaming in colour and neons for Kigalians?!
10. Project All Their Traumas on You to Heal for Them While Triggering You Over and Over In The Name Of ‘I Am Your Wound Mate’- This manifests as victimizing themselves whenever there is work to be done but they refuse to do it for themselves. Truth is you can’t heal for someone, you can sojourn, but you can’t carry their healing, it ain’t your burden nor cross to carry because we ain’t Black and Joyous Jesus - are we now?!
11.  The Shuffle Between Affirmation and Destruction, Love And War, Peace And Rage – Just because it’s not physical does not mean it’s not abuse. Emotional and Mental abuse do exist in the form of silencing, gaslighting, stonewalling, self-harm which will be judged as caused by an external source instead of being responsible and accountable for one’s own toxic traits. Another thing that gets done is to project their insecurities on you and in the same breath they build you with affirmation, which is then immediately counteracted with a comment that touches on your most painful pain-point (studied earlier on).
12.  When People Take You Fi Idiat and Paint you Blue, Always Stay Gracious, It's the Only Saving Grace You Will Have  - Your best revenge is the glow and grow that will come out of cutting ties with all the toxicity and its kin - to focus on you, your paper and your sunshine routine pre Covid-19 and Sociopaths and Narcissistic encounters. Because people will talk whether you like it or not, so your truth is sacred to you only and shouldn’t be expected from those who have taken the stand to misunderstand you in apprehension! To Growth my loves!

"Never be afraid of the truth and your truth, only those filled with guilt are scared and stay in the dark which is never really means the lack of light, just more use of darkness than light." 

You may be confused at first, but trust your intuition, trust your friends, trust your family that whatever they are seeing is actually true – and you should believe and take people for who they are. Listen to your friends, family and other loved ones who see through a change in your behaviour that betrays your true self/nature. Don’t rush to justify the sociopath’s behaviour, be quick to listen to your intuition and to those who hold you together – not everyone can be wrong except the one person who is setting you against the rest of them all and the world at large - as if a pandemic. 

The moment your gut feeling goes off and slowly one alarm rings or you see some red flags, learn from me – don’t learn the hard way going through trauma because it is what is familiar to you – BOUNCE MY NIGGUS, BOUNCE! 

Why? Because you ain’t Black Joyous and Fantabulous Jesus – you really ain’t! And always and in all ways still see the good in people, just sieve through the intentions doe – wrong intentions until proven wrong! And, other people’s burdens aren’t yours to carry – focus on your grind, focus on your resurrections in the name of safe love!  Hrollleeellluuuurrr to the Lordt- as I continue to write down notes from every life lesson learnedtttttt!!!!!! 

Source: https://www.xonecole.com/are-you-dating-a-gaslighter-6-ways-to-tell/?rebelltitem=3#rebelltitem3

Be Your Own (Gaddamn) Peace

Hello Beloveds, 

Greetings from this side of 2019! Yes, a girl has crossed over on Monday 17th, done with the struggles of this long life and 2018's constant state of what the hell is going on. Merry New Year to you too! May your Christmas gift from you to you be to preserve your own peace and love, Kwanzaa! 

Let go, let love and light in. 

The only loyalty you owe is one that preserves your serenity and sanity.

2018, what a long and intense year! Transitions and changes are always uncomfortable, no matter how great a person is at taking on new adventures, cutting ties and moving places. Leaving is easy for some people, letting go is second nature and moving on is swift and smooth - that you'd have to re-introduce yourself and remind those people who you are and where you met (again?). This has never been me. I struggle to get to that point of being done with a situation and/or people. I always believed in giving people chances, communicating what is not working and see how we can work through things moving forward (your needs can only be met when you communicate them, no one reads minds - if they do they are scamming you). 

I struggled to remove myself from situations and spirits not only because of my existing abandonment issues, but mostly because I believed in being compassionate - people go through things and a one-time incident may justify a certain reaction or action at a given time. So, I always thought that it is kinder and more empathetic to first get to know why a person acted a certain way, which usually gave me an opportunity to also assess whether I had a part to play in the happenings - whether I attracted or condoned chaos. However, as much as my mentor hoped that my heart's posture will not change and my mother prayed that I will not be the outcome of my environment - 2018 taught me to let go and not give a fudge - with no regrets, no guilt and no fear. I learned a couple more things which I am going to share, as you read on. 

What a test of my patience and my resilience, as I look back and reflect. Chillleeey (grab some popcorn), I am shooketh I still have thine edges, altogether. I am even more shocked that I am still alive and sane. This year has been a test of my patience, my sanity, my character and my existence, altogether; not only personally (personal relationships - friends and family) but professionally too. I was in the hot seat and receiving blows from both angles, it led me to have an existential crisis. 

I wondered whether something was inherently wrong with me, why is it that the humans in my life were drawn to display and unleash all of their demons in them, then and now? What is the purpose of being raised and growing up in so much chaos and dysfunction? Even, when I left some spaces, cut ties with some people, tried to heal from existing traumas to preserve my peace and not be changed by my environment; something else popped up and way too soon. Besides, had I gone to school for this, though? Did I come back to my home country for this, though? Was I born for this much dysfunction? Is there something in me that attracts this energy or behaviour? 

I am naturally nice (if you have met me - please excuse my face, if you ever felt some type of way, it needs redemption), I am as peaceful as a baby panda (excluding adolescence)...Lord, I did not crucify Jesus I was only in your thoughts when all of that went down, I never killed anyone's cat, I stay minding my business; I need answers as of yesterday, what's happening? Lord, Can you please come back from your Bora Bora vacation and give me a sign? Welp!!!!

After re-evaluating my whole existence, my personal and professional choices, I realised a few things...

"You cannot heal from the same environment (people and places) where you got sick"

It's very important to not appoint ourselves as responsible and accountable to clean up people's messes, carry the cross of surrendering to their emotional and human experiences on earth or submitting to their opinions- As a recovering co-dependent, feeling needed and solving other people's problems - being the Jesus in other people's lives- is what made me thrive, gave me purpose and meaning, and a whole lot of joy. Not in the sense of 'oouuhh I am such a nice person look at me, look I am fixing so and so life's problems and doing good for the planet and its inhabitants', I may ascend to heaven and not be laid like all other mere mortals (taps myself on the back). I was intentionally present for others because I knew what pain, shame and fear felt like and the despair one experiences when they are alone/unseen/unheard. 

The lesson learned from this first realisation was that if I was not careful and did not impose any boundaries to preserve my sanity and replenish my cup when depleted; I ended up being either a punching bag for people who refused to deal with their own traumas or a dumping site for people who are fatally frustrated. This is not to mean that I cannot be a safe place for others, it's mostly about being a safe place for myself first, and not allow toxicity to temper  or compromise my sanity. 

In the quest of being an empath, boundaries are important! People and situations are not projects that need to be FIXED, humans have the capacity and ability to solve their own problems and to also be accountable and responsible to make healthier choices for themselves. People are to be treated with respect and dignity even when they are wildin' or strugglin'; never in a day should someone offering support openly display some savior complex (keep it on the low low inside yourself). Circumstances also unfold whichever way the universe and time dictates. Therefore, really there is nothing to stress about - relax, nothing is in control. 

All these realisations led me to, now, see support and presence as accompanying (sojourning as my therapist says) a person, listening to them but not solving their problems, allowing them to get to the light all by themselves. Not only is this method effective because it teaches people to be accountable and responsible for their own wellbeing - and guaranteeing impactful implementation of their own resolutions - but it also allows me, the recovering co-dependent yet caring person, to stay in check, enforce boundaries, remain consistent and not extend myself beyond what I can handle. 

Find what gives meaning to your life - What is that thing that makes you happy, healthy, and preserves your serenity and guarantees your perennity? For this lesson learned, I had to identify what the source of my essence and existence was. Was anything that gave meaning to my life - internally or externally sourced? Was I seeking validation and purpose from others or from my job? I found that it was 50-50, but should have been 99% from me and 1% from others (1% because I live on earth, amongst humans and being acknowledged feels good - don't even lieee, even to yourself). 

Even if 99% of the meaning to my life had to come from myself, I had to make sure that the factors considered were not only healthy but also safe. As I mentioned earlier, it used to give me meaning to nurse everyone's hurting heart, appease their troubled thoughts and fix everyone's problems, and be the Messiah to all that were in need. A whole Olivia Pope for wahala. Well, this is not healthy to want to be someone's hero or saviour, knowing that I am actually not equipped to meet everyone's needs and mine included. I had turned into an emergency room with no medical degree whatsoever. 

It was not safe nor healthy to make such choices or to extend myself and spread myself too thin to invisible; especially when the tables turned and I was the one in a time of great need , alladem peoplez I thought would pull through for me were no show (ghosting is not only for situationships fam, even the fam and the closest friends can do it,too). This is not to say that all that a person has to do needs to be repaid, but reciprocity and consistency are a thaaannngggg, a major key to maintain healthy and nurturing relationships! 

If you know that you can't handle the depth and the complexity that comes wih a human being, then just don't be chasing waterfalls and oceans - stick to the ponds and inflatable pools you are used to and save everyone's time and oxygen. Shallow works for some, it's okay because to each their own- but people deserve to know how far you are able and ready to go to act accordingly and keep it at the surface level!

A major major lesson learned was to be emotionally independent - which was all that was left to achieve full autonomy and self-sufficiency. As my grandma says - Umuntu arigira yakwibura agapfa. This litteraly translates into "You are on your own!", "You can only depend and rely on yourself" - or else you'll die in your own movie, basically! 

Know thyself and stay true to thyself - Liseeeun!! I am all for knowing myself, continuous improvement and being the best version of the prototyp-E. This growth process requires to consider feedback and energies in your immediate professional and personal circles. The danger of not knowing thyself is that one will have the tendency to believe that all that they are told is true. 

This year, I was led to be in touch with my feelings about the human experience and learn how to name them and process them (hello emotional constipation). I was also pushed to listen to my intuition, because I mostly went by momma's feelings and observations of things (she be knowin'). I didn't even know I had one (an intuition); because I had been afraid to trust my gut feeling-it had no scientific basis to its reactions or rational explanation I could google or find stats for. It was also hard to accept the reality of certain energies I was surrounded by (like some people and places are not good for you, even if that one time in 1926 they were good for you and you're trying to hold onto that image, memory and feeling - see people for who they are and how they present themselves- forget digging for the good (gold) when all that you are shown repeatedly is bums and all that you have been finding when digging is mostly dirt). 

The most important lesson I learned, here, was to strike a balance between humility (in the sense of recognising that I am no saint, nor perfect and that there is enough room for improvement) and developing a muscle of unbothereness against people's criticism often fed and fueled by their unresolved internal battles and insecurities. Remember beloved, a lot of the time it has nothing to do with you. Look closely, look impartially. A gentle reminder beloved, you are not responsible to appease the storms in others - your only responsibility is to get rid of your demons and distance yourself from anyone who makes you holler at them louder!

Again, the issue with not knowing oneself is that any cold avalanche of harsh commentary will destroy you and any deceitful heat wave of compliments will sway you astray. So, build a foundation on the knowledge you gathered of yourself, be anchored in this knowledge and let it be a barometer of anything else that you hear. Is it noise or is it noiceeee (nice)? Whichever way know yourself boo, do not be boo boo the fool, boo! 

Know your worth, know your power and when to leverage them to create the life you desire! 

Heaven is what you create and hell is what you tolerate. 

Test and see that observation is good - Patterns and pathology are a real thing. It's just so wonderful to realise that after all this time you are sane and that whatever you have been experiencing is not only valid and real; but also not in your head - but actually experienced and seen by others too. 

Yes, this is the moment where a survivor of gaslighting realises that they are actually not crazy for feeling and realising certain things. Alladem (all of them) deceitful humanbeans (human beings) end up ricing (rising), showing their true colors one day or another. When you see it, believe it!!!! It is heyaaa (here)!!!! 

Yiiii,  iyo witonze abantu bageraho bakivamo da (when you sit back and watch, people eventually show their true colors)!!!! Ngo, ntawutsitara kwibuye ryagaragaye ma (you cannot stumble upon a stone/rock you have seen)!!!!

Let us stop excusing bad behaviour and ill-treatment, let us also fight against complaining that the bad behaviour is persistent while simultaneously and passionately justifying why we are staying in such situations. We have more power than we think to flip the narrative and execute a shift. For the good of the environment and the planet. 

When you observe a pattern, sit and watch and take notes for future use; don't even bother tryna fight, checking people- telling them where it's at, correcting and reprimending, who has the power, who is the baddest, and being all confrontational like you are a cast member of LHH-ATL. Waste your energy and oxygen not, beloved! You're not getting paid to be dramatic, you won't win an oscar for being the best actor/ress in the movie of lies and deception that you single handedly create (because the Lord exposes everything to light, everyday not only on judgement day). Even if you are paid to partake in drama and dysfunction, well is it worth compromising yourself? You're the bag (your safety, integrity and serenity), secure yaself, first and foremost. 

Life is not linear or completely black and white, nothing is set in stone either - depending on the situation, you may need to be mature and do the adult thing to have a respectful and honest conversation with a person (should you deem that relationship healthy and important to you) and other times you gon' drop em like hot potatoes because liseeeuun preserving one's peace and health is of essence and utmost urgency, at this point! Some relationships need no closure, some people don't deserve the effort either. Especially, when they show no remorse, accountability or specialise in denial and shifting the blame.Whichever choice you make, remain consistent with yourself and stand by your choices. 

It is also important to know your people. In true virgo style, ain't nobody tryna win Miss Congeniality and fake smile through this social life to appear nice (there are not enough Beyoncé hours in a day to do that and adult/human, all at the same time). So, know who your real ones are and who your fake ones are. Who is manufactured in high end and who is manufactured in fast fashion (some people are here for a good time not a long time, don't you be out here extending their connection period when the expiry date was two incidents ago). For legitimate and obvious reasons, the real ones are few, very few, close to none...no, it's not that bad...But yeah, they could be just 2, that's enough support to be honest. 

Don't hold people in such high esteem when you have been shown who/what they are in your life for - giving them a huge space in your heart, playing favourites, giving them center stage and a main role in your life- when they ain't tryna know you like that. 

To reiterate, the only way to know your people is to observe tendencies and patterns over time. The measure of what is real and genuine is consistency and reciprocity- factoring in the other person's capacity to show up in their own individual(ity) way- not expecting to be anyone's priority and reason to live and breathe or expecting them to show up how you show up (people's love languages are different and people present themselves differently). Diversity is good and necessary.  Different is respectable and acceptable. Expectations should also be aligned with reality (what can be done) and communicated logically and honestly (how the person is able to do it). 

The sauce lies in the intentions - are you seeing the person making an effort to meet you half way, from where they stand and for what they can and are able to do? Are you also doing the same or sitting back in your entitlement of life's abundance of good things you are not offering?

"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." Matthew 7:6 - KJV

I never understood this Bible verse prior to 2018. I felt like the Lord was high key throwing shade with this one. Like how dare you Higher Power, what are the pearls first of all and who are the swine, Lord? Why big/heavy words, Lord, why? Was Matthew previously writing for the Shaderoom? Asking for a friend...

In my sinner's understanding of this verse, pearls are your pain and power, your joy and sorrow - in short your story. The holy is you, you are sacred even if the world may have soiled you. Not everyone deserves you, not everyone needs and should be gifted with your story, not everyone deserves to be in your life and space either. You don't have to answer to anyone, except whatever legally binds you to certain obligations. Because, sadly, when you welcome absolutely any and everyone in your life and you share a piece of information (you) that you treasured, in the hopes that the treasure will be recognised as one, appreciated or  serving to strengthen a bond; fam, that's how people use your pain against you for their personal benefit, plot to obstruct you from realising your potential or categorise you as a charity project. 

Yup, the same snake that deceived Eve, is the same snake that has reincarnated a few more times and flipped the script to pull an Adam. Plot twist - stay woke, don't sleep on yourself being in denial of the side effects of a bite and the toxins it will infiltrate in your system. Also, the human race has been overrated since homo neanderthal. Don't play yourself thinking er'body nice. Even salt looks like sugar and claims to be sweet, until you get a taste and woooooooowwwwww wtf????!!!!!

The moment you realise a certain pattern, with clear red flags, has been sustained, from places or people, being it - negativity, gossip, emotional immaturity, judgement and prejudice, opportunism, flakiness and ghosting, abuse of any kind, bigotry, lack of empathy and mindfulness, jealousy, inconsistency, dishonesty, dysfunction, dissonance- leave my child (in my aunt's voice)! 

Preserve your story, your pain, your aspirations, your feelings and thoughts, your vulnerability, your energy and your achievements-keep those gems and pearls for the real ones. Not everyone who smiles at you is your friend or family, or has good intentions towards you; not everyone who inquires actually cares, not everyone who compliments you genuinely acknowledges your charm, not everyone who shares a part of them with you wants to know you at that level either or is in actual need of relief/release.  

Beware of fatally frustrated human beings. Beware of those who project their traumas, anger and fears on you. Beware of those who refuse to deal with their own demons. Beware of the drama queen/king that claims that everyone else is dramatic, when the crown on their head is the heaviest. Beware of those who loudly claim to be powerful until put in a position of power and dololo (means nothing in SeTswana)! Beware of those who come running to save you and your soul, when they haven't saved themselves from their own toxicity. Bottom line, beware of dissonance - monkey see, monkey do. 

Discern through the noises and the noices you are served. 

Don't expose yourself to messy and be out here expecting clarity in the same heartbeat! 

Keep the same energy! 

Maintain some level of consistency!

Mkaayyy (okay), those were the little life lessons learned from the past long year, long life and occupancy on planet earth! I have been humbled, hence I am seated in most of the pictures. Clearly, I have also developed data points with a narrative that led me to certain conclusions about the human experience, enclosed in this 2018 life report. I have not understood everything in life yet, but I have been growing and taking notes. 

Moving forward, know yourself beloved, love yourself beloved, heal yourself beloved, and flourish beloved. Establish healthy boundaries as tall and deep rooted as those walls Trump aspires to build. Establish a zero tolerance policy for negativity, drama and dysfunction and mitigate any risk of externally created anxiety and toxicity. 

Create your life experience, be accountable and responsible for this to happen. Remove anything and anyone that does not serve you from your life ( "serve" - to mean anyone or anything that does not contribute to your peace and growth -- in the well meaning approach to contributing to someone else's growth. 

Because, side note: beware of some people who are perpetual haters, always arising to the occasion to certify themselves as naysayers, bubble busters and fixers who have apparently understood life better than other human beings and who are bigger, better, bolder, braver and smarter - aka Narcissist Nellias and Self-righteous Seths - who often cut you in the middle of your time sharing something sensitive or painful or joyful to stress a point, interrupt you to compare your struggle with someone else's or theirs to prove a point that they are either better or stronger, repressing you with basic gaslighting sentences such as 'it's not that bad, it's in your head, don't be negative' and those negating your feelings, and lastly those who often than not enjoy sharing their UNSOLICITED opinions like they are paying any of your bills). 

REMOVEEEE the bloodclot (in the thickest Jamaican accent)!

I am not one to have resolutions, but cheeeyazzz (cheers) to keeping the same energy, living authentically, breathing and sleeping peacefully and shining freely! 

Thank you for coming to my free.99 TED talk and Merry New Year!

Dress: Aliexpress

Earrings: Maasai Market 

Melanin: Mama's making and getting tonz of rays of sunshine 

Redemption Note: Emancipate Yourself, Redeem Your Peace, Find Your Worth

“It’s self-full to be first, to be as good as possible to you. To take care of you, keep you whole and healthy. That doesn’t mean you disregard everything and everyone. But you want to come with your cup full. You know: ‘My cup runneth over.’ What comes out of the cup is for y’all. What’s in the cup is mine. But I’ve got to keep my cup full.” 

- Iyanla Vanzant

Ain’t it been a while? It has been a minute! But, I am back at dropping droplets of wi-zi-dom aka life lessons which I specialize in sharing every century or so…Mostly, because it takes a while for me to digest life’s happenings and give a name and meaning to the thoughts and feelings they create.

So it has been two years and a half, a couple of months of lots of questioning and lots of life lessons learned. Hence, the hiatus. Whahahapenned was - As my world shattered before my eyes, back then, and I had to also relocate (which meant no inspiration, no content, no photographer or shopping as I pleased - no ootd post); I needed to stop and pause, and stop running to snap, share, write or speak altogether. Poor change management, yes...maybe?

I felt like I was not “situated” within myself, I was not sure of how I felt or what I thought…I was mentally exhausted and emotionally numb, it wasn’t just being stuck but actually being completely lost, not anchored and hella scared…so what was I to share?  Confusion, hurt, anxiety and fear? That’s not perfect or empowering nor is it pretty for the readers, I was told. 
It got me thinking why are we always here to show off our best lives (which includes a picture of a morning coffee…but that’s beside the point here we are #blessed), always positive, always made up, fly and fresh,on the go, booked and busy and pretentiously having it all together - as if pain, confusion, anxiety, doubts, anger, sadness or being appalled are not normal feelings - a normal human actually experiences... So we will be picture perfect, toned down, pink and fluffy, and not relatable or authentic, in short "authentic and real" is overrated donku (donc)? Too regular, not inspirational? No?! 

Okay, lemme smile for the camera real quick and quote the fluffiest and most positive thing - like the world is a happy place, we are all blessed and fortunate! All is well beloved, all the time, yes all the time! Sorry what? Problems, struggles? Oh no darling, we do not use those words around here - say them out-loud in your head if you may, but don't let that come out, people might hear you breathing!!! (frown-able)

 "You were not born to be loved or liked or stamp-approved by the whole wide world" 

Some people will leave you, some people won't like you and some people will not stamp approve you...and that's okay! They ain't your mama anyway...

It’s so funny but a lot of the time we think that soul searching happens at a certain low point in our lives when we pack our bags and go to the Himalayas. Or just go to Kibuye (yes please, who has the money to go to Asia right now?) to reflect, meditate and find the light within and clarity for ourselves. In my opinion, soul searching, evaluating life, learning and questioning are and should be an ongoing process, executed in all patience, gentleness and humility…Because who has it “all” figured out or have full “connaissance de soi”?

The light is almost never reached, it is a continuous effort to intentionally and consciously elevate to reach it. And when it comes to clarity, it is as volatile as the rand-dollar exchange rate or the business cycle, one day we are clear about things, we are thriving and prospering, edges grown, baby hairs laid, families thriving in all areas, friendships nurturing, waists trained, love overflowing, rested as a new born, copying the higher power 5/5 24-7, hydrated as a cucumber and the next day we realize that we missed the point, got played or actually this is not working, so let’s get a new “life navigation system”.

On this journey, I have been very observant but also very spread out. In the way I process things, I first gain information, get receipts, low key keep a track record of instances (good or bad, life’s time series data anyone? And no, no grudges please just data…don’t judge) and at times I need lightning and thunder to strike, to see the danger and finally get to a point where I finally gerrit (get it). The questions to really ask myself are: am I growing, am I blooming, am I embraced? Or put in a box, fixed, regressing, suffocating and withering?

So when things happen, my first instinct is not to listen to my intuition, my heart, or trust my gut feeling. Because, it is “wiser and nicer” to first understand others, and at times maybe they need to be heard, loved, supported or their complaints or attitude make sense in their own right so who am I to negate their truth or not hear their perspective or story. So we will hear everyone else but silence ourselves?! But truly, truly not all logical, rational, chronological stories and experiences are necessarily healthy - when prescribed in large doses it will end in an overdose -. When I finally get it, I find myself spread thin sis; like girlfriend, have you ever heard of boundaries? And this is not to say that one can't be a safe space for others, but more about not forgetting to be one for ourselves first. Yes, you can be someone's safe space, but don't allow them to make you their punching bag or their pick and drop ball - bounced and dribbled around...

          

Then, as I turned 21 this year (estimate based on the current personal, societal, legal and financial definition of emancipation), I had a realization about a lot of things. One thing for sure, I wanted to really get to know me and give a chance to E to be. Be herself, her true self in true Buddhist detachment style. Not the censored E, not the one trying to fit in or please everyone E. 

Yes girl, it's okay not to be okay, it's okay to express your feelings and feel things all so deeply, yes you are entitled to your opinion (but it remains an informed one), yes your voice matters, yes you should own your truth and embrace the loud, misfit, expressive, warm, sweet and sarcastic human that you have always been.

With growing up, I also realized that I have a big heart, that I feel more than I realized and that I over give, extend myself too much (nka fimbo - elastic in kinyarwanda) and end up with an empty cup. I realized that I had been so used to dysfunction, repression, control, one-way type of relationships, being ghosted, toxic behavior and fatally frustrated humans that I ended up intoxicated and depleted.

So it became clear to me, it was time to clean up. Call this Spring Cleaning September. Some souls need to be loved from a distance, no matter the nature of the relationship or the history – if people tryna act brand new and dun flipped on you, or are wishy-washy like the wind -- we keepin’ it at arm length boo…it's okay to abandon what consistently hurts and depletes you, there is no reason to go by loyalty towards broken promises and negativity... 

If you can easily trust others, trust yourself too (actually, first!)

This, so attractive thing, called pain and this yearning to be Jesus and fix all the problems of the world gotta go. Joy, Laughter, Realness, Consistency and Tasteful Ratchetness now that’s my new kind of crush. I learned, I shouldn’t pay myself a free.99 guilt-trip whenever I say no or cut some people off without notice or walk away from circumstances that are stunting my growth or stifling me up… It has finally become a necessity to put myself first, at the cost of no longer being the “bigger and nicer” but always drained person. That shit overrated!

It’s a conscious and consistent effort to show up for myself and protect my peace, secure my mental and emotional well-being. 

I am growing and blooming luv, enjoy! 

Intellectualized Faith

Dear God,

I wished I was writing a love letter to you, full of rapturous worship and ecstatic praises…but no.

There is a rupture in my soul.

My spirit might be dismantling too.

I won't talk about my body, it gave up a long time ago (but am drinking lots of water and eating fruits and vegetables to stay put).

Rejoice at all times and in all circumstances, they say, especially when going through trials and tribulations….My problem with that, though, is that I wouldn’t be acknowledging the human experience that is pain….I cannot cover up a wound with just a scripture and keep walking with a smile, because Hallelujah life is great! What about being in touch with the reality I am going through? How can I heal from what I haven't acknowledged and/or felt?

Yes, pain has made me question your presence; at the worst it made me question your benevolence too.

I cannot hide the fact that I feel misled and abandoned. If you could abandon Christ at the cross, who am I, Lord? Who am I? Why were you silent when I faced humiliation, loneliness and agony? 

At least Jesus was warned; he knew that he will die. He knew that he will face pain. He agreed to the eventuality of what was awaiting him. Well, I wouldn’t have agreed to endure the things that were awaiting me. Not shame again, not fear again, not anything that would break me to the core, again! 

I wished I was notified, perhaps with thunder, or one or two angels or a scripture, something, anything.

I am greatly tempted to rely on my own understanding, because maybe science, maybe psychology, maybe the basic premises of existentialism or even rationality could explain what is happening to me. They may not tell me why it's happening, the purpose behind the pain but at least they don’t promise any end; certainly not that it will work out for my good. There are no promises, therefore there are no expectations and my hope won’t be stirred up for nothing.

I felt fearless during those blissful spiritual moments, only to wake up in cold sweats and greeting anxiety. I found myself in a pit of darkness, so I walked around the edges of life holding on nothing but just the breath that came out of my being. It didn’t matter that time healed everything or that endurance produced character, and character produced hope. What is hope, when life is real and you are just trying to make it through the next minute?

I tried though. I read that we should seek you but I am not even sure that I know where to look or what to look for. I casted my care on you but my thoughts were submerged with fear and confusion of what is, what is not, what will become. What was real, what was an illusion? What is happening? Bubble burst. Are you there? Do you hear the whispers of my frail prayers? Do you even care?

Sometimes it bothers me that we cannot question you, simply because you are sovereign. 

Are you really just? I guess this shades a lot of light on my shattered faith or am intellectualizing you? Again!