Redemption Note: Emancipate Yourself, Redeem Your Peace, Find Your Worth

“It’s self-full to be first, to be as good as possible to you. To take care of you, keep you whole and healthy. That doesn’t mean you disregard everything and everyone. But you want to come with your cup full. You know: ‘My cup runneth over.’ What comes out of the cup is for y’all. What’s in the cup is mine. But I’ve got to keep my cup full.” 

- Iyanla Vanzant

Ain’t it been a while? It has been a minute! But, I am back at dropping droplets of wi-zi-dom aka life lessons which I specialize in sharing every century or so…Mostly, because it takes a while for me to digest life’s happenings and give a name and meaning to the thoughts and feelings they create.

So it has been two years and a half, a couple of months of lots of questioning and lots of life lessons learned. Hence, the hiatus. Whahahapenned was - As my world shattered before my eyes, back then, and I had to also relocate (which meant no inspiration, no content, no photographer or shopping as I pleased - no ootd post); I needed to stop and pause, and stop running to snap, share, write or speak altogether. Poor change management, yes...maybe?

I felt like I was not “situated” within myself, I was not sure of how I felt or what I thought…I was mentally exhausted and emotionally numb, it wasn’t just being stuck but actually being completely lost, not anchored and hella scared…so what was I to share?  Confusion, hurt, anxiety and fear? That’s not perfect or empowering nor is it pretty for the readers, I was told. 
It got me thinking why are we always here to show off our best lives (which includes a picture of a morning coffee…but that’s beside the point here we are #blessed), always positive, always made up, fly and fresh,on the go, booked and busy and pretentiously having it all together - as if pain, confusion, anxiety, doubts, anger, sadness or being appalled are not normal feelings - a normal human actually experiences... So we will be picture perfect, toned down, pink and fluffy, and not relatable or authentic, in short "authentic and real" is overrated donku (donc)? Too regular, not inspirational? No?! 

Okay, lemme smile for the camera real quick and quote the fluffiest and most positive thing - like the world is a happy place, we are all blessed and fortunate! All is well beloved, all the time, yes all the time! Sorry what? Problems, struggles? Oh no darling, we do not use those words around here - say them out-loud in your head if you may, but don't let that come out, people might hear you breathing!!! (frown-able)

 "You were not born to be loved or liked or stamp-approved by the whole wide world" 

Some people will leave you, some people won't like you and some people will not stamp approve you...and that's okay! They ain't your mama anyway...

It’s so funny but a lot of the time we think that soul searching happens at a certain low point in our lives when we pack our bags and go to the Himalayas. Or just go to Kibuye (yes please, who has the money to go to Asia right now?) to reflect, meditate and find the light within and clarity for ourselves. In my opinion, soul searching, evaluating life, learning and questioning are and should be an ongoing process, executed in all patience, gentleness and humility…Because who has it “all” figured out or have full “connaissance de soi”?

The light is almost never reached, it is a continuous effort to intentionally and consciously elevate to reach it. And when it comes to clarity, it is as volatile as the rand-dollar exchange rate or the business cycle, one day we are clear about things, we are thriving and prospering, edges grown, baby hairs laid, families thriving in all areas, friendships nurturing, waists trained, love overflowing, rested as a new born, copying the higher power 5/5 24-7, hydrated as a cucumber and the next day we realize that we missed the point, got played or actually this is not working, so let’s get a new “life navigation system”.

On this journey, I have been very observant but also very spread out. In the way I process things, I first gain information, get receipts, low key keep a track record of instances (good or bad, life’s time series data anyone? And no, no grudges please just data…don’t judge) and at times I need lightning and thunder to strike, to see the danger and finally get to a point where I finally gerrit (get it). The questions to really ask myself are: am I growing, am I blooming, am I embraced? Or put in a box, fixed, regressing, suffocating and withering?

So when things happen, my first instinct is not to listen to my intuition, my heart, or trust my gut feeling. Because, it is “wiser and nicer” to first understand others, and at times maybe they need to be heard, loved, supported or their complaints or attitude make sense in their own right so who am I to negate their truth or not hear their perspective or story. So we will hear everyone else but silence ourselves?! But truly, truly not all logical, rational, chronological stories and experiences are necessarily healthy - when prescribed in large doses it will end in an overdose -. When I finally get it, I find myself spread thin sis; like girlfriend, have you ever heard of boundaries? And this is not to say that one can't be a safe space for others, but more about not forgetting to be one for ourselves first. Yes, you can be someone's safe space, but don't allow them to make you their punching bag or their pick and drop ball - bounced and dribbled around...

          

Then, as I turned 21 this year (estimate based on the current personal, societal, legal and financial definition of emancipation), I had a realization about a lot of things. One thing for sure, I wanted to really get to know me and give a chance to E to be. Be herself, her true self in true Buddhist detachment style. Not the censored E, not the one trying to fit in or please everyone E. 

Yes girl, it's okay not to be okay, it's okay to express your feelings and feel things all so deeply, yes you are entitled to your opinion (but it remains an informed one), yes your voice matters, yes you should own your truth and embrace the loud, misfit, expressive, warm, sweet and sarcastic human that you have always been.

With growing up, I also realized that I have a big heart, that I feel more than I realized and that I over give, extend myself too much (nka fimbo - elastic in kinyarwanda) and end up with an empty cup. I realized that I had been so used to dysfunction, repression, control, one-way type of relationships, being ghosted, toxic behavior and fatally frustrated humans that I ended up intoxicated and depleted.

So it became clear to me, it was time to clean up. Call this Spring Cleaning September. Some souls need to be loved from a distance, no matter the nature of the relationship or the history – if people tryna act brand new and dun flipped on you, or are wishy-washy like the wind -- we keepin’ it at arm length boo…it's okay to abandon what consistently hurts and depletes you, there is no reason to go by loyalty towards broken promises and negativity... 

If you can easily trust others, trust yourself too (actually, first!)

This, so attractive thing, called pain and this yearning to be Jesus and fix all the problems of the world gotta go. Joy, Laughter, Realness, Consistency and Tasteful Ratchetness now that’s my new kind of crush. I learned, I shouldn’t pay myself a free.99 guilt-trip whenever I say no or cut some people off without notice or walk away from circumstances that are stunting my growth or stifling me up… It has finally become a necessity to put myself first, at the cost of no longer being the “bigger and nicer” but always drained person. That shit overrated!

It’s a conscious and consistent effort to show up for myself and protect my peace, secure my mental and emotional well-being. 

I am growing and blooming luv, enjoy!