Who have I
become though? If not all encompassing and colourful…Swiftly moving out of rigidity
to become more understanding. More acceptant of dichotomies and existing in the
dualities of life. I guess only fools don’t grow or evolve, and when I made that
prayer to the Lord at 14 years old to give me wisdom, as much as Solomon – I clearly
didn’t know what I was going in for, but wheeeew has life served me lessons that
will usher me through the rest of my life with enlightenment and useful insights?!
It’s a strong yes, because Eunice actually means victory in Hebrew. I live by
my name I guess…
I really used to
see things in two colours, black or white, very absolutist in my approach –
things were or they weren’t- period pooh. So cancelling was easy, because
well, if it ain’t black and black is IT in my frontal cortex – then the fuck am
doing there tryna understand any other hue but Black?! This also made me
practice very little forgiveness towards myself and towards anyone really – as Tobe
Nwigwe said, ‘I wouldn’t be afraid to lay these hands and fight, as you should
try Jesus and not try me, because I fight’. Retaliation really used to come easeh
easeh, it was small small ting…But I have learned that some things are just to
be left behind…
You see, growing up and living in trench town, you are not only ready to fight and defend, you are also very guarded and ever operating from survival mode. So, you end up super overprotective of yourself and yours too. Why? Well because the world is a mean place to be honest, no one has your time and very few do actually have your best interest at heart. But truly there is strength in vulnerability and we all need to connect at a soul level whether we accept it or not.
In the quest to find ‘peace’ but with a hardened
heart, I moved away from those who truly always had my back and best interest
at heart – family. Why? Because I wanted Black as is, but also saw things from
a lens that doesn’t humanise parents. These fellas don’t have a manual on
handling us, let alone themselves. And to be honest, I AM A HANDFUL and MOUTHFUL (lol poor Maman Alice tihihihi). In straying away from them, I had found a
home in a very toxic environment, since it’s all I have ever known the bish
felt cozy and familiar. I fell in a trap where I was taken advantage of, as an easy isolated case and thus prey. However, this misfortune led me to my actual home: myself and family.
Yes, you can bump
heads and get heated with your parents and siblings, but at the end of the day,
no one will ever love you and have your back like them. Hence the need to
remain rooted. Having a home in your family brings safety and security, where
you don’t easily become a prey for opportunists and well other predators too.
Having fallen in
a trap, with my stubbornness and hardened heart contributing to it all, I have
found the necessity to forgive. To forgive myself, to forgive my parents and
anyone who has hurt me really. There is no way to build tenacity and resilience
or even achieve peace of mind if your heart remains hardened and heavy. And provided
what I have been through, I should probably be in an asylum, fearful, paranoid
and broken to unrecognisable heights – but guess what firm tits energy will keep
you afloat and floating through just fine. The firm tits energy is all that strengthens
you, and this is all the wisdom and lesson learned along the way. Firm tits energy
is also the ability to still see the good in people still and reclaiming your
power and space and not shrink or be full of self-pity at the face of
adversity.
On that note - listen to Erykah Badu - Bag Lady (a soundtrack to this post).
To growth, to
reaching closer to higher self every day. For it would be a shame to be stuck
in old ways of surviving when truly life is to be lived and thriving a must. As
we embark on a path of least resistance to build true resilience, we should
enjoy and extend the fruits of forgiveness whilst we still can and have no
regrets for all that has happened. Tomorrow is never guaranteed, seize this
moment and seize it fully and love yours truly.
