Honeyyyysss and Bunnnniiieees,
Good sis is back
with some press, because a bish been majorly pressed hunnnaaaayyyy-bun! Chileeeee’ this one’s a lot, edges, eyebrows,
eyelids and moustaches have been tried!!!!!!! This one is even packaged with
anxiety as much as you shall kiki and haha here and there - because in the face
of adversity pain is to be felt and at times to be carried with laughter because
what was we doing thuuur doe?! It’s saddening that I had deleted the former
blog post ‘truth hurts, don’t be shocked if you get hurt’ I wrote last year,
because Socio-boo can make you second guess your IQ, your intuition and reality
altogether. But guess what – my intuition been there, just learning to validate
it because the aliens brought it back….
Anyways, isn’t
it our way to heal, if not to share life lessons whenever we have made sense of
whatever madness we had been in?! But let me start by giving a soundtrack to
this movie that has been the past 12 months, Beyoncé – Hold Up and Lizzo –
Truth Hurts. As per the usual, music is healing, and music ironically and
amusingly speaks on my behalf – hence me putting emphasis on lyrics and
melodies. So grab your popcorn or your glass of wine or cup of tea ‘coz it’s
about to be soulful and a bit funny ‘coz I been Booboo La Fool in these Streets
and Stweets shan – where a clown
earns $51k a year, I been wearing the costume for free.99 for a whole gaddam
year (but ain’t it the entire Kigali doe #AskingForFwends)?
That ain’t even
all of it, because this movie can be given another soundtrack to it and it’s
either Nonso Amadi – Kwasia or Beyoncé – Sorry, because in all of this my
grinding was interrupted majorly but thank goodness it was not lost (Universe
always saves you at the right time, because the energy you emit saves you and
protects you. Karma is so real - just as the physic rule that posits that
energy is only transformed, not created or destroyed - It will all come back
full circle how you planted it).
But let’s get
to it? Why am I writing this blogpost? I think most
of my posts are life lessons that I share as I live, love and learn. And this
one is to be spoken about because too often we do have or meet and date
sociopaths, too often we do get lost in the dizziness of the shuffles that are ‘feel
good to the plan is destruction darling’ – an emotional rollercoaster. The
two main indicators that you have encountered a sociopath is the psychology of
these individuals and their behaviour which are characterized by a few
descriptive points such as: lack of remorse and shame when called out on
their messiness, projection of blame, guilt tripping others about personal
toxic traits that are called out, no respect for boundaries, lack of moral
compass, impulsiveness and irresponsibility, glorified and romanticized
antisocial behaviour and illegal/risky practices that are done supposedly
because of others and not because of a personal decision as a grown up,
pathological lying as if no lie – no breathing occurs, etc.
As we begin this
class, let’s start with the 101 when the manipulation begins – it starts
with gaslighting, which will occur in private because the public and whatever happens there is a liability. Hence those who live hidden, leaving no trace, live well -because in the darkness no one will show you the light so you are free to manipulate, control and justify the intensities of your extremes using someone's pain to your profit - but still call it "love" (co-dependence named after interdependence) but could shallow wells have the range?!
“A Gaslighters is a
master deflector. No matter what promise they've made and broken, no matter
what they've done that is straight up wrong, no matter what words they've said
that have hurt you to the core, if you confront them about it, they will:
·
act like they don't know what you are talking about;
·
try and make you feel like you are exaggerating or that
you're being childish or petty and/or;
·
find some kind of excuse to make you feel guilty for bringing
the issue(s) up in the first place.
What all of this basically
boils down to is they refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. The
main problem with this is, anyone who doesn't want to be held accountable in
life is someone who is not only not emotionally mature enough for a real
relationship, but they're also someone who will probably hurt you over and over
again. Gaslighters are so arrogant that rarely do they see the need to.” – xonecole.com
On the 212 of
this class, Sociopaths are different from Psychopaths, because it’s all learned behavior for the case of Sociopaths – possible due to
childhood circumstances, which then requires attention to heal from – because charm
can only carry you from KH to KBC and it’s not okay to hurt people just because
you have been hurt. But the news flash from Sociopaths is that they will hurt,
use and abuse you with no remorse at all. Forget that apology because it will never come
forth – in fact ‘you are the cause of all that is wrong in the/their world’. Henceforth,
no goodbye, no closure required – just keeps aladat moving to greener pastures
and healthier and cleaner energies in your realm/energy field.
12 Lessons
for 12 months dating a Sociopath and 24 months confiding in two Narcissists at
different times:
- Neediness and Clinginess to Camouflage the Lack of Will To Give Back Or Be Responsible- Accompanied by threats to their own life which does interrupt your grinding, because all the attention has to be on them, where and when they need it. So, co-dependency is watered and witnessed. At times it’s hard to make sense of things in the beginning but as time goes you see that what’s being asked and done are far from healthy. For example, imagine that you need to pay your rent, but all of a sudden, the person needs an amount close to your rent ‘for an emergency’ – which you then discover that it was used to buy a new phone instead of paying rent.
- Prey Trapping – Sociopaths are strategic about who they surround themselves with or perform attraction to. Often times, the more visible, the more emancipated, the more outspoken – the better for them because it then becomes an attractive challenge. The agenda is to tame and destroy a person to irreconcilable and unrecognisable lengths. They first google you, ask pertinent question about your past and you, conduct a full diagnosis of feel good and feel bad. Then they make impulsive and bold statements to lock you down and take as much as possible, once they have gained all that they want or needed from you.
- Guilt-Trip You To Trap You Into Isolation – everything in their world is wrong because of you and at times some of your personal traumas are used against you, so be careful enough to not overshare in the beginning of the relationship/friendship. As my Dad loves to say “the true measure of love is time” – is the person intentionally loving you throughout or it is dependent on whether you are being of utility and use. Is the person listening with deep compassion and showing efforts to see how two can meet in the middle? If what is asked is not given, there goes punishment with retracted affection, personal boundaries are overstepped and/or you find yourself apologizing when you haven’t done anything wrong or you stick around to be better or do better by them.
- Exaggeration in Romantic and Friendship Relationships – Sociopaths and Narcissist play with your strings on the basis that ‘without you, no air is inhaled’ – your necessity is as grandiose as the relief programs for Covid-19 in developing countries. They shall tell you that you are the air and sun in the universe, even the water because without you their life is no more, but when present you and the couches are one and the same.
- The Need To Control And Double Standards – To outsiders, you probably seem like perfection, peanut butter and jelly; because affection spikes in public and is non-existent in private. This technique is to continue carrying on the make believe but to also ensure that they know who and what you are doing because the basket of insecurities is overflowing, hence the need to control because they are well cognisant and conscious that you are deserving of better, more fulfilling and healthier encounters.
- They Want You Most When You Are Not There - So there goes 3 calls in an hour, texts about sensitive topics whenever with someone better requiring immediate attention, accusations of infidelity, weird ass requests such as send me the pictures before you post them on Instagram…Like daffuq?! What is autonomy, independence of being – cyangwa ubyumvira mubihuha?
- Refuse To Be Held Accountable And Apologize For Their Wrong Doings – Especially when it comes to other people’s pain. It is always a laughingstock or kunompfesha as if there is anything to be proud about when belittling others and minimizing their pain. When called out look at them twisting and justifying their acts in the name of ‘misguided empathy’. As if empathy is something a shallow well can feel – niggguuurz puliz….
- Use And Abuses You To A Point Of Diming Your Light To Extinction - As they look for the new prey and prepare you mentally, unless you are grounded enough in your worth – death might as well be the final outcome- so if this sounds too familiar bounce with the quickness child and do never look back or else you open the door to abuse again.
- Make Believe Through Life, Because the Core Lacks Substance and The Coherence is Non-Existent – it’s all bluff and fluff- sheep in wolf’s clothes. The relationship status is never clear or coherent for you and others. What is confirmed and affirmed behind close doors is a sudden source of anxiety and panic in public. Go figure! The words, actions and intentions will always not go together. At some point kwinyuraguramo eventually comes up. The lack of clarity can last years if you ain’t brave to know exactly what you deserve and leave whenever healthy love is no longer served. At the end of the day, we all deserve a love with no betrayal, a love that is reciprocal, intentional and fulfils you with clarity, consistency and coherence in private and public. Or wait – that’s dreaming in colour and neons for Kigalians?!
- Project All Their Traumas on You to Heal for Them While Triggering You Over and Over In The Name Of ‘I Am Your Wound Mate’- This manifests as victimizing themselves whenever there is work to be done but they refuse to do it for themselves. Truth is you can’t heal for someone, you can sojourn, but you can’t carry their healing, it ain’t your burden nor cross to carry because we ain’t Black and Joyous Jesus - are we now?!
- The Shuffle Between Affirmation and Destruction, Love And War, Peace And Rage – Just because it’s not physical does not mean it’s not abuse. Emotional and Mental abuse do exist in the form of silencing, gaslighting, stonewalling, self-harm which will be judged as caused by an external source instead of being responsible and accountable for one’s own toxic traits. Another thing that gets done is to project their insecurities on you and in the same breath they build you with affirmation, which is then immediately counteracted with a comment that touches on your most painful pain-point (studied earlier on).
- When People Take You Fi Idiat and Paint you Blue, Always Stay Gracious, It's the Only Saving Grace You Will Have - Your best revenge is the glow and grow that will come out of cutting ties with all the toxicity and its kin - to focus on you, your paper and your sunshine routine pre Covid-19 and Sociopaths and Narcissistic encounters. Because people will talk whether you like it or not, so your truth is sacred to you only and shouldn’t be expected from those who have taken the stand to misunderstand you in apprehension! To Growth my loves!
"Never be afraid of the truth and your truth, only those filled with guilt are scared and stay in the dark which is never really means the lack of light, just more use of darkness than light."
You may be confused at first, but trust your intuition, trust your
friends, trust your family that whatever they are seeing is actually true – and
you should believe and take people for who they are. Listen to your friends,
family and other loved ones who see through a change in your behaviour that betrays your true self/nature. Don’t rush to justify the
sociopath’s behaviour, be quick to listen to your intuition and to those who hold you together – not everyone can be wrong except the one person who is setting
you against the rest of them all and the world at large - as if a pandemic.
The moment your gut feeling goes off and slowly one
alarm rings or you see some red flags, learn from me – don’t learn the hard way
going through trauma because it is what is familiar to you – BOUNCE MY NIGGUS,
BOUNCE!
Why? Because you ain’t Black Joyous and Fantabulous Jesus – you really
ain’t! And always and in all ways still see the good in people, just sieve through the intentions doe – wrong intentions until proven wrong! And, other
people’s burdens aren’t yours to carry – focus on your grind, focus on your
resurrections in the name of safe love! Hrollleeellluuuurrr to the Lordt- as I continue to write down notes from every life lesson learnedtttttt!!!!!!
Source: https://www.xonecole.com/are-you-dating-a-gaslighter-6-ways-to-tell/?rebelltitem=3#rebelltitem3
