Hello Beloveds,
Greetings from this side of 2019! Yes, a girl has crossed over on Monday 17th, done with the struggles of this long life and 2018's constant state of what the hell is going on. Merry New Year to you too! May your Christmas gift from you to you be to preserve your own peace and love, Kwanzaa!
Let go, let love and light in.
The only loyalty you owe is one that preserves your serenity and sanity.
2018, what a long and intense year! Transitions and changes are always uncomfortable, no matter how great a person is at taking on new adventures, cutting ties and moving places. Leaving is easy for some people, letting go is second nature and moving on is swift and smooth - that you'd have to re-introduce yourself and remind those people who you are and where you met (again?). This has never been me. I struggle to get to that point of being done with a situation and/or people. I always believed in giving people chances, communicating what is not working and see how we can work through things moving forward (your needs can only be met when you communicate them, no one reads minds - if they do they are scamming you).
I struggled to remove myself from situations and spirits not only because of my existing abandonment issues, but mostly because I believed in being compassionate - people go through things and a one-time incident may justify a certain reaction or action at a given time. So, I always thought that it is kinder and more empathetic to first get to know why a person acted a certain way, which usually gave me an opportunity to also assess whether I had a part to play in the happenings - whether I attracted or condoned chaos. However, as much as my mentor hoped that my heart's posture will not change and my mother prayed that I will not be the outcome of my environment - 2018 taught me to let go and not give a fudge - with no regrets, no guilt and no fear. I learned a couple more things which I am going to share, as you read on.
What a test of my patience and my resilience, as I look back and reflect. Chillleeey (grab some popcorn), I am shooketh I still have thine edges, altogether. I am even more shocked that I am still alive and sane. This year has been a test of my patience, my sanity, my character and my existence, altogether; not only personally (personal relationships - friends and family) but professionally too. I was in the hot seat and receiving blows from both angles, it led me to have an existential crisis.
I wondered whether something was inherently wrong with me, why is it that the humans in my life were drawn to display and unleash all of their demons in them, then and now? What is the purpose of being raised and growing up in so much chaos and dysfunction? Even, when I left some spaces, cut ties with some people, tried to heal from existing traumas to preserve my peace and not be changed by my environment; something else popped up and way too soon. Besides, had I gone to school for this, though? Did I come back to my home country for this, though? Was I born for this much dysfunction? Is there something in me that attracts this energy or behaviour?
I am naturally nice (if you have met me - please excuse my face, if you ever felt some type of way, it needs redemption), I am as peaceful as a baby panda (excluding adolescence)...Lord, I did not crucify Jesus I was only in your thoughts when all of that went down, I never killed anyone's cat, I stay minding my business; I need answers as of yesterday, what's happening? Lord, Can you please come back from your Bora Bora vacation and give me a sign? Welp!!!!
After re-evaluating my whole existence, my personal and professional choices, I realised a few things...
"You cannot heal from the same environment (people and places) where you got sick"
It's very important to not appoint ourselves as responsible and accountable to clean up people's messes, carry the cross of surrendering to their emotional and human experiences on earth or submitting to their opinions- As a recovering co-dependent, feeling needed and solving other people's problems - being the Jesus in other people's lives- is what made me thrive, gave me purpose and meaning, and a whole lot of joy. Not in the sense of 'oouuhh I am such a nice person look at me, look I am fixing so and so life's problems and doing good for the planet and its inhabitants', I may ascend to heaven and not be laid like all other mere mortals (taps myself on the back). I was intentionally present for others because I knew what pain, shame and fear felt like and the despair one experiences when they are alone/unseen/unheard.
The lesson learned from this first realisation was that if I was not careful and did not impose any boundaries to preserve my sanity and replenish my cup when depleted; I ended up being either a punching bag for people who refused to deal with their own traumas or a dumping site for people who are fatally frustrated. This is not to mean that I cannot be a safe place for others, it's mostly about being a safe place for myself first, and not allow toxicity to temper or compromise my sanity.
In the quest of being an empath, boundaries are important! People and situations are not projects that need to be FIXED, humans have the capacity and ability to solve their own problems and to also be accountable and responsible to make healthier choices for themselves. People are to be treated with respect and dignity even when they are wildin' or strugglin'; never in a day should someone offering support openly display some savior complex (keep it on the low low inside yourself). Circumstances also unfold whichever way the universe and time dictates. Therefore, really there is nothing to stress about - relax, nothing is in control.
All these realisations led me to, now, see support and presence as accompanying (sojourning as my therapist says) a person, listening to them but not solving their problems, allowing them to get to the light all by themselves. Not only is this method effective because it teaches people to be accountable and responsible for their own wellbeing - and guaranteeing impactful implementation of their own resolutions - but it also allows me, the recovering co-dependent yet caring person, to stay in check, enforce boundaries, remain consistent and not extend myself beyond what I can handle.
Find what gives meaning to your life - What is that thing that makes you happy, healthy, and preserves your serenity and guarantees your perennity? For this lesson learned, I had to identify what the source of my essence and existence was. Was anything that gave meaning to my life - internally or externally sourced? Was I seeking validation and purpose from others or from my job? I found that it was 50-50, but should have been 99% from me and 1% from others (1% because I live on earth, amongst humans and being acknowledged feels good - don't even lieee, even to yourself).
Even if 99% of the meaning to my life had to come from myself, I had to make sure that the factors considered were not only healthy but also safe. As I mentioned earlier, it used to give me meaning to nurse everyone's hurting heart, appease their troubled thoughts and fix everyone's problems, and be the Messiah to all that were in need. A whole Olivia Pope for wahala. Well, this is not healthy to want to be someone's hero or saviour, knowing that I am actually not equipped to meet everyone's needs and mine included. I had turned into an emergency room with no medical degree whatsoever.
It was not safe nor healthy to make such choices or to extend myself and spread myself too thin to invisible; especially when the tables turned and I was the one in a time of great need , alladem peoplez I thought would pull through for me were no show (ghosting is not only for situationships fam, even the fam and the closest friends can do it,too). This is not to say that all that a person has to do needs to be repaid, but reciprocity and consistency are a thaaannngggg, a major key to maintain healthy and nurturing relationships!
If you know that you can't handle the depth and the complexity that comes wih a human being, then just don't be chasing waterfalls and oceans - stick to the ponds and inflatable pools you are used to and save everyone's time and oxygen. Shallow works for some, it's okay because to each their own- but people deserve to know how far you are able and ready to go to act accordingly and keep it at the surface level!
A major major lesson learned was to be emotionally independent - which was all that was left to achieve full autonomy and self-sufficiency. As my grandma says - Umuntu arigira yakwibura agapfa. This litteraly translates into "You are on your own!", "You can only depend and rely on yourself" - or else you'll die in your own movie, basically!
Know thyself and stay true to thyself - Liseeeun!! I am all for knowing myself, continuous improvement and being the best version of the prototyp-E. This growth process requires to consider feedback and energies in your immediate professional and personal circles. The danger of not knowing thyself is that one will have the tendency to believe that all that they are told is true.
This year, I was led to be in touch with my feelings about the human experience and learn how to name them and process them (hello emotional constipation). I was also pushed to listen to my intuition, because I mostly went by momma's feelings and observations of things (she be knowin'). I didn't even know I had one (an intuition); because I had been afraid to trust my gut feeling-it had no scientific basis to its reactions or rational explanation I could google or find stats for. It was also hard to accept the reality of certain energies I was surrounded by (like some people and places are not good for you, even if that one time in 1926 they were good for you and you're trying to hold onto that image, memory and feeling - see people for who they are and how they present themselves- forget digging for the good (gold) when all that you are shown repeatedly is bums and all that you have been finding when digging is mostly dirt).
The most important lesson I learned, here, was to strike a balance between humility (in the sense of recognising that I am no saint, nor perfect and that there is enough room for improvement) and developing a muscle of unbothereness against people's criticism often fed and fueled by their unresolved internal battles and insecurities. Remember beloved, a lot of the time it has nothing to do with you. Look closely, look impartially. A gentle reminder beloved, you are not responsible to appease the storms in others - your only responsibility is to get rid of your demons and distance yourself from anyone who makes you holler at them louder!
Again, the issue with not knowing oneself is that any cold avalanche of harsh commentary will destroy you and any deceitful heat wave of compliments will sway you astray. So, build a foundation on the knowledge you gathered of yourself, be anchored in this knowledge and let it be a barometer of anything else that you hear. Is it noise or is it noiceeee (nice)? Whichever way know yourself boo, do not be boo boo the fool, boo!
Know your worth, know your power and when to leverage them to create the life you desire!
Heaven is what you create and hell is what you tolerate.
Test and see that observation is good - Patterns and pathology are a real thing. It's just so wonderful to realise that after all this time you are sane and that whatever you have been experiencing is not only valid and real; but also not in your head - but actually experienced and seen by others too.
Yes, this is the moment where a survivor of gaslighting realises that they are actually not crazy for feeling and realising certain things. Alladem (all of them) deceitful humanbeans (human beings) end up ricing (rising), showing their true colors one day or another. When you see it, believe it!!!! It is heyaaa (here)!!!!
Yiiii, iyo witonze abantu bageraho bakivamo da (when you sit back and watch, people eventually show their true colors)!!!! Ngo, ntawutsitara kwibuye ryagaragaye ma (you cannot stumble upon a stone/rock you have seen)!!!!
Let us stop excusing bad behaviour and ill-treatment, let us also fight against complaining that the bad behaviour is persistent while simultaneously and passionately justifying why we are staying in such situations. We have more power than we think to flip the narrative and execute a shift. For the good of the environment and the planet.
When you observe a pattern, sit and watch and take notes for future use; don't even bother tryna fight, checking people- telling them where it's at, correcting and reprimending, who has the power, who is the baddest, and being all confrontational like you are a cast member of LHH-ATL. Waste your energy and oxygen not, beloved! You're not getting paid to be dramatic, you won't win an oscar for being the best actor/ress in the movie of lies and deception that you single handedly create (because the Lord exposes everything to light, everyday not only on judgement day). Even if you are paid to partake in drama and dysfunction, well is it worth compromising yourself? You're the bag (your safety, integrity and serenity), secure yaself, first and foremost.
Life is not linear or completely black and white, nothing is set in stone either - depending on the situation, you may need to be mature and do the adult thing to have a respectful and honest conversation with a person (should you deem that relationship healthy and important to you) and other times you gon' drop em like hot potatoes because liseeeuun preserving one's peace and health is of essence and utmost urgency, at this point! Some relationships need no closure, some people don't deserve the effort either. Especially, when they show no remorse, accountability or specialise in denial and shifting the blame.Whichever choice you make, remain consistent with yourself and stand by your choices.
It is also important to know your people. In true virgo style, ain't nobody tryna win Miss Congeniality and fake smile through this social life to appear nice (there are not enough Beyoncé hours in a day to do that and adult/human, all at the same time). So, know who your real ones are and who your fake ones are. Who is manufactured in high end and who is manufactured in fast fashion (some people are here for a good time not a long time, don't you be out here extending their connection period when the expiry date was two incidents ago). For legitimate and obvious reasons, the real ones are few, very few, close to none...no, it's not that bad...But yeah, they could be just 2, that's enough support to be honest.
Don't hold people in such high esteem when you have been shown who/what they are in your life for - giving them a huge space in your heart, playing favourites, giving them center stage and a main role in your life- when they ain't tryna know you like that.
To reiterate, the only way to know your people is to observe tendencies and patterns over time. The measure of what is real and genuine is consistency and reciprocity- factoring in the other person's capacity to show up in their own individual(ity) way- not expecting to be anyone's priority and reason to live and breathe or expecting them to show up how you show up (people's love languages are different and people present themselves differently). Diversity is good and necessary. Different is respectable and acceptable. Expectations should also be aligned with reality (what can be done) and communicated logically and honestly (how the person is able to do it).
The sauce lies in the intentions - are you seeing the person making an effort to meet you half way, from where they stand and for what they can and are able to do? Are you also doing the same or sitting back in your entitlement of life's abundance of good things you are not offering?
"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." Matthew 7:6 - KJV
I never understood this Bible verse prior to 2018. I felt like the Lord was high key throwing shade with this one. Like how dare you Higher Power, what are the pearls first of all and who are the swine, Lord? Why big/heavy words, Lord, why? Was Matthew previously writing for the Shaderoom? Asking for a friend...
In my sinner's understanding of this verse, pearls are your pain and power, your joy and sorrow - in short your story. The holy is you, you are sacred even if the world may have soiled you. Not everyone deserves you, not everyone needs and should be gifted with your story, not everyone deserves to be in your life and space either. You don't have to answer to anyone, except whatever legally binds you to certain obligations. Because, sadly, when you welcome absolutely any and everyone in your life and you share a piece of information (you) that you treasured, in the hopes that the treasure will be recognised as one, appreciated or serving to strengthen a bond; fam, that's how people use your pain against you for their personal benefit, plot to obstruct you from realising your potential or categorise you as a charity project.
Yup, the same snake that deceived Eve, is the same snake that has reincarnated a few more times and flipped the script to pull an Adam. Plot twist - stay woke, don't sleep on yourself being in denial of the side effects of a bite and the toxins it will infiltrate in your system. Also, the human race has been overrated since homo neanderthal. Don't play yourself thinking er'body nice. Even salt looks like sugar and claims to be sweet, until you get a taste and woooooooowwwwww wtf????!!!!!
The moment you realise a certain pattern, with clear red flags, has been sustained, from places or people, being it - negativity, gossip, emotional immaturity, judgement and prejudice, opportunism, flakiness and ghosting, abuse of any kind, bigotry, lack of empathy and mindfulness, jealousy, inconsistency, dishonesty, dysfunction, dissonance- leave my child (in my aunt's voice)!
Preserve your story, your pain, your aspirations, your feelings and thoughts, your vulnerability, your energy and your achievements-keep those gems and pearls for the real ones. Not everyone who smiles at you is your friend or family, or has good intentions towards you; not everyone who inquires actually cares, not everyone who compliments you genuinely acknowledges your charm, not everyone who shares a part of them with you wants to know you at that level either or is in actual need of relief/release.
Beware of fatally frustrated human beings. Beware of those who project their traumas, anger and fears on you. Beware of those who refuse to deal with their own demons. Beware of the drama queen/king that claims that everyone else is dramatic, when the crown on their head is the heaviest. Beware of those who loudly claim to be powerful until put in a position of power and dololo (means nothing in SeTswana)! Beware of those who come running to save you and your soul, when they haven't saved themselves from their own toxicity. Bottom line, beware of dissonance - monkey see, monkey do.
Discern through the noises and the noices you are served.
Don't expose yourself to messy and be out here expecting clarity in the same heartbeat!
Keep the same energy!
Maintain some level of consistency!
Mkaayyy (okay), those were the little life lessons learned from the past long year, long life and occupancy on planet earth! I have been humbled, hence I am seated in most of the pictures. Clearly, I have also developed data points with a narrative that led me to certain conclusions about the human experience, enclosed in this 2018 life report. I have not understood everything in life yet, but I have been growing and taking notes.
Moving forward, know yourself beloved, love yourself beloved, heal yourself beloved, and flourish beloved. Establish healthy boundaries as tall and deep rooted as those walls Trump aspires to build. Establish a zero tolerance policy for negativity, drama and dysfunction and mitigate any risk of externally created anxiety and toxicity.
Create your life experience, be accountable and responsible for this to happen. Remove anything and anyone that does not serve you from your life ( "serve" - to mean anyone or anything that does not contribute to your peace and growth -- in the well meaning approach to contributing to someone else's growth.
Because, side note: beware of some people who are perpetual haters, always arising to the occasion to certify themselves as naysayers, bubble busters and fixers who have apparently understood life better than other human beings and who are bigger, better, bolder, braver and smarter - aka Narcissist Nellias and Self-righteous Seths - who often cut you in the middle of your time sharing something sensitive or painful or joyful to stress a point, interrupt you to compare your struggle with someone else's or theirs to prove a point that they are either better or stronger, repressing you with basic gaslighting sentences such as 'it's not that bad, it's in your head, don't be negative' and those negating your feelings, and lastly those who often than not enjoy sharing their UNSOLICITED opinions like they are paying any of your bills).
REMOVEEEE the bloodclot (in the thickest Jamaican accent)!
I am not one to have resolutions, but cheeeyazzz (cheers) to keeping the same energy, living authentically, breathing and sleeping peacefully and shining freely!
Thank you for coming to my free.99 TED talk and Merry New Year!
Dress: Aliexpress
Earrings: Maasai Market
Melanin: Mama's making and getting tonz of rays of sunshine
