My beloved land of looks

My beloved land of looks,

Aren’t we so boastful of our looks my beloved, in this land of looks?

Where external beauty is one skill set as if worthy being accounted for, one for the books?

Kelly Rowland and that guy in the Boys2Men band are our sister and distant cousin because of their features and demeanor?!

The beloved land, where a Lad’s capacity to create a wonderful home with offspring is based on his height?

Or a Belle’s capacity to lead is based on the impeccability of dark gums, docility, and width of her hips?

Oh, my beloved land of stares...

Where the gaze and stares are the sectors with the highest rate of employment...

You could be walking, you could be chewing food or sneezing in this season of changing weather, and still,

you’d be looked at...

One can try to dress so dully...

Walk slowly...

Speak softly…

And yet be looked and stared at…

One can dare to speak as their throat allows 

Dress as their personality shows 

And dance to the beat of their own drum 

And yet be stared at...

Are we so bored? Do we lack purpose and passion in our daily lives?

So unfazed with the joys of creating our joys and planning for our goals, that we are lost looking at those meandering the streets?

Formulating judgment and despising strangers for the way they wore and strapped their sandals and instead, in our very irrelevant and unsolicited opinions, tell ourselves that these strangers could have worn heels with that dress instead of laced Vans?

What a whole wow, I tell myself

Humanity, compatriots, how unimpressed I am with you yet so profoundly intrigued by your ways, ways of thinking, ways of behaving

Ways to give credibility to the loudest simply because they are amongst the few to be tweeting

Ways in which you admonish and coerce whoever dares to exist differently as a demon and how dare they choose a different path, a different way of being and manifesting?

Yegoko, uriya we yataye umurongo (they whisper to each other)

Sometimes we overly romanticize our existence 

Yasss Queen-ing and Go Off King-in 

When yet we are mere dust lost in the lust of feeling important by the simple and mere factor of holding onto the illusion of power 

A power that comes with being so and so’s child, having x amount of likes, or holding this and that position on a planet we don’t even belong to

Since we are mostly born to die and everything here is borrowed, including time here 

Why so pressed with pixels mate?!

I laugh at us sometimes

Sometimes I am also filled with despair at the regressing evolution of our consciousness 

We are so eager to polish these images and continuously praising gods we have built-in others 

Praying hard into preying on others’ lives

The beloved land, where reputation supersedes self-awareness and acceptance

Waking up early to choose a look that hopefully won’t upset the neighbor or have the MTN agent look at us for too long

Or should I say not have Mother ramble for too long and Father frown upon your resistance to conform and perform 

I wished we chose truth, standing in our truth as the way and the light

I wished we knew ourselves, therefore liberated to only answer to ourselves and made it a quest of life

Spend less time in lies that hide away our essence and erase our presence, or tuck away our personality or the little we have of it or the little left of it

Besides the persona, we display to the rest of the world

This world that is supposedly meant to embrace and accept what it isn't conscious of beholding itself...

But I also understand that survival has asked us to do so 

And to remain amongst strangers devoid of themselves and a sense of self -> society

Society, that we wouldn't want to be ostracized from...here we are coerced into self-betrayal 

Just to receive collective acceptance, as placement in society, in the group

Groupthinking our way into grieving the loss of individuality some kind of revival (we think)

But honey, you are no heir or queen or king of any kind, you are no savior for sins that aren’t yours or even royalty of anywhere, besides it’s all so trivial 

Cuncta vanitatem vanitas...hmmmm, nubundi tuzashonga disi (ibereho ma'!)

What are they likely to do besides staring and talking?!

Hmm...whose destiny? Whose life? If not yours, whose ruling?

The gods you shaped in your mind that dictate the shape of you when they have no clue what theirs is?

You have them choosing your destiny and tossing you around as per the latest trend, say of the day?

Because ignorance has fed you more than the nourishment provided in the clarity of day?

Need I remind you that we are all pots of clay?

And truly only one who has gained the mastery of themselves is as powerful as the potter?

May you find yourself beloved...May that light guide you through the evils of ignorance and pierce through unconsciousness..

2020 has been vision 20-20 – Happy Clarity Day

Had you asked me in 2000, I would have said that by now, we would be flying in cars and not driving them, clones would be approved by whatever scientific institution; the decade would simply come in full swing and abundance. We really didn’t know wagwan in 2000, when the millennium started, and we thought it was going to be a smooth one from now on. Global focus went on consumerism, competition and complaining. We were set in our comfort of having a relatively good life and amazing prospects, and so much certainty about our jobs, health, livelihoods and the state of the world as progressive. We were set honey, in a prison of what we deemed possible but set, nonetheless. 

Wowuuuuuuuu, wululuuuuuu – behold 2020 that simply came to awaken us to the realization that all we thought we were sure we owned or had, simply was an illusion and really let’s gather and collect our 3-5 years plans and laugh in harmonious decibels or consortium of clowns. 

To most, this year is one they want to send back to sender or manufacturer. One that will have asterisks on all economic reports and trends, because this shock was neither man made, a debt euphoria, oil crisis or from the financial sector, but it did hit all economies (large or not). It is also a year we have had to really question the state of humanity and its progressiveness as well as consciousness or lack thereof. Like what the fuck is actually going on with the little egos of white supremacists bursting wild and focused so much on their frailty that they impose themselves as the default and standard at Clicks in South Africa or also idolise themselves into gods so much so that they treat black life as disposable in the USA. Instead of appreciating the beauty in the diversity of planet earth and the human race, yt supremacist are so fixated on their complex of inferiority left unattended to then have them act a mess in these streets. 

2020 has also been the year of great loss in all its aspect, loss of great humans like Dj Miller or Chadwick Boseman. It has also been the year of degrading global health. Mental health being in jeopardy all over the world. Physical health deteriorating even if you only drank green juice to stay alive and occasionally munched on a carrot, ran 200 miles a day and meditated 2 hours in the morning and at night. So, whether your health, economic situation, your looks, connections and whatever else was saving the day, Covid has been upon us to remind us what truly matters. It was there to remind us how nothing is in our control. It showed us the illusion of ownership when you may have lost your job and couldn’t sell an asset to make your ends meet. It showed how flawed human interaction is when people were forced to stay together 24/7 and got each other’s demons hollering instead of appeasing each other. 2020 really showed how chaos have reigned for too long and the need for collective rest, reset and healing.

When it comes to my personal journey, 2020 has been a pivotal year. It has ignited a catalytic transformation through pain. It is the year that all the losses culminated into one and all the alarms went off, and nothing made sense for a good moment. It is the moment I almost lost it all and realized what actually remained when all else sheds. It brought me back to the essence of my being and what matters when I need not an identity or a box to check, when I have no affirmation or consolation through the external gaze and accolades. This year pushed me to find inner peace and find home there. 

This year led me to me, led me home, set me free. For that reason, it provided me with clarity, so it will be one for the books. 20-20 vision or vision 2020. This one, I will always remember because it made me responsible for my own healing and my own wellbeing, more than never before. It made me powerful because I found the inextinguishable source within. A source that doesn’t rejuvenate from nothing else but stillness, because now my understanding is that my worth is not attached to anything at all but its present experience. 

I found freedom in transcending all the worst fears that happened. With each fear beginning in dreams, ending in up happening in real life. I realized that fear just bound me into shackles, because what is meant to happen, happens any way. I found freedom in that. I found rest as well. I found rest in signing off of anything that wasn’t necessary. I found rest in being rather than doing. I found rest in honoring myself. Instead of continuously pouring into cups that were perforated that could never be filled or reach satiety.  I’d be thinking that I am doing my very best – yet contributing to my erasure. So, I shook off all of that ultimately self-imposed pressure and decided to replenish from within, by making myself a priority. So, 2020, you were a shitshow but yet you have been my year, for that I am grateful for the pivotal change that occurred within. Enkosi kakhulu! Now, Alexa please play Jimmy Cliff – I Can See Clearly Now. 

Patriarchy is Trash, but Trashiness has no gender assigned at birth

 

I got introduced to feminism at age 15, in Philosophy where I read The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir and found it to be such a compelling rhetoric and view of life. I had finally found a theory that narrated all that I believed in and put words to my beliefs – equality and justice for all, starting by addressing power dynamics between women and men, and shedding light on the violence women experience without wanting to replace men and create a new form of oppression. To me the focus has always been freedom, liberation not power traps and thirst which eventually end up delivering the same oppression we oppose. Without knowing it, I had always identified as a feminist and adhered to feminist politics; not only because I am fondly passionate about women, femmes and GNC emancipation but also because I have a thirst for justice, equality and equity – for all.

In my journey as a feminist, based on personal experiences that assigned trashiness to the male gender -at birth; I was utterly convinced that men were and have always been the problem. I didn’t care about anything in the lines that there could be good men. I could not be told anything – men were trash period. Whether guilty of misusing their powers and privileges or not, I didn’t care men were trash. 

I looked at patriarchy not as a system of oppression we should abolish but as every male simply roaming the earth - henceforth, any individual male was a danger or potential danger. Why you would ask? Because a system is made up of individuals who feed and keep that system going. Thus the root cause was those feeding into this system - hence men. I could never fathom or think that any man or male identifying person could be a kind and fair person. I could never fathom or believe that anyone could feel safe in the presence of a man or not be swallowed up in some manly egotistical - power struggle-trip to prove a point just because of their male gender which provides them with privileges and powers in the society we live in. Toxic masculinity was all I associated to the male gender. I felt that given their power and privilege they would only and naturally tend towards abuse.They were the devil, that’s it and maybe the earth had to be made of women only and GNC folks, for a more liberated, loving and safer world (how idealistic, don't judge). 

Low and behold, life taught me a few lessons that compelled me to reevaluate my views. I had a first taste with a horrible female boss in 2018 aka Cruella De Ville. And then, I had a taste of a supposed feminist ex-girlfriend - aka first female president of the dustbins. Then concurrently being mistreated through medical malpractice and poorly trained therapist in 2019-2020. When all of those experiences culminated this year, I awakened to the reality that women too were trash and can be a danger, in reality. And wiping off men from the face of the earth wouldn't solve the issue around violence, evil and oppression. 

I think having experienced these three individuals, as a feminist, put under so much violence by three women; I got confronted with the need to re-evaluate my view of trashiness. Is it that I was regurgitating what I see, experienced and hear and read about men – MEN ARE TRASH! Or is it that trashiness is in everyone and has no gender but rather it’s about what people do in general? How they use their platforms, privileges and powers? How they treat others and feed into oppression and perpetuate injustice or violence? How people perpetrate and perpetuate violence covertly and overtly for their personal gains – therefore and ultimately feeding into the system?

In my questioning, I found issues with patriarchy as a system yes, a system which birthed so many other forms of oppression - capitalism, sexism, racism and so many other isms. But in finding the answers, I realized trashiness isn’t assigned a gender at birth. Trashiness is a defect found in anyone who perpetrates and perpetuates violence and oppression using their own power, intentionally and purposefully for their own benefit - for the benefit of greed or ego. If we think about it, without universalizing personal experience nor jumping onto the bandwagon of group thinking, everyone is trash. Everyone has the ability to be trash within them. All genders are able and capable of violence and feeding into the system of oppression, violence and injustice. 

It’s more a matter of calling out trashiness where we observe it, seeking justice for all and doing what is right for all. It’s also a matter of awakening to see that we too have flaws and we too can cause suffering. It’s in recognizing that humans as a collective are the biggest danger to themselves. Because, every person oppressed has the capability of replicating oppression too, perpetuating violence too. It would be absurd to overlook same sex violence among same sex couples, to overlook violence among black people, to overlook violence among colleagues who are female, to overlook violence among families perpetrated by mothers, aunts, sisters and cousins, violence between wives of a home and their maids, nieces and adopted girl children, because it is there. It exists and thrives if we take our eyes off of it and assign trashiness to the male gender only – we are omitting an existing sad reality. 

In our quest for justice, we shouldn’t be too self-righteous to a point where we radicalize our fight against the system and overlook those who also contribute to its violence regardless of their gender. Patriarchy princesses and pick me’s are not always the women appealing to the male gaze. At times some women are simply oppressors themselves in their own power and wherever their privileges reach or wherever they have an opportunity to perpetrate and perpetuate violence.

So, in the aim to build and transform our societies, there is a need for a mental shift. One that starts by questioning the status quo, the status quo of our core beliefs and practices. From there, to continuously re-evaluate what it is we believe and what it is we are doing, in the hopes and works to change things and remain accountable, starting by being accountable to ourselves. In the hope that we practice what we preach and align the both of them, in the aim to not feed into superiority complexes, coercion or anything that goes against the freedom we so fight for.

The Path of Least Resistance Starts With Forgiveness

 

Who have I become though? If not all encompassing and colourful…Swiftly moving out of rigidity to become more understanding. More acceptant of dichotomies and existing in the dualities of life. I guess only fools don’t grow or evolve, and when I made that prayer to the Lord at 14 years old to give me wisdom, as much as Solomon – I clearly didn’t know what I was going in for, but wheeeew has life served me lessons that will usher me through the rest of my life with enlightenment and useful insights?! It’s a strong yes, because Eunice actually means victory in Hebrew. I live by my name I guess…

I really used to see things in two colours, black or white, very absolutist in my approach – things were or they weren’t- period pooh. So cancelling was easy, because well, if it ain’t black and black is IT in my frontal cortex – then the fuck am doing there tryna understand any other hue but Black?! This also made me practice very little forgiveness towards myself and towards anyone really – as Tobe Nwigwe said, ‘I wouldn’t be afraid to lay these hands and fight, as you should try Jesus and not try me, because I fight’. Retaliation really used to come easeh easeh, it was small small ting…But I have learned that some things are just to be left behind…

You see, growing up and living in trench town, you are not only ready to fight and defend, you are also very guarded and ever operating from survival mode. So, you end up super overprotective of yourself and yours too. Why? Well because the world is a mean place to be honest, no one has your time and very few do actually have your best interest at heart. But truly there is strength in vulnerability and we all need to connect at a soul level whether we accept it or not. 

In the quest to find ‘peace’ but with a hardened heart, I moved away from those who truly always had my back and best interest at heart – family. Why? Because I wanted Black as is, but also saw things from a lens that doesn’t humanise parents. These fellas don’t have a manual on handling us, let alone themselves. And to be honest, I AM A HANDFUL and MOUTHFUL (lol poor Maman Alice tihihihi). In straying away from them, I had found a home in a very toxic environment, since it’s all I have ever known the bish felt cozy and familiar. I fell in a trap where I was taken advantage of, as an easy isolated case and thus prey. However, this misfortune led me to my actual home: myself and family.

Yes, you can bump heads and get heated with your parents and siblings, but at the end of the day, no one will ever love you and have your back like them. Hence the need to remain rooted. Having a home in your family brings safety and security, where you don’t easily become a prey for opportunists and well other predators too.

Having fallen in a trap, with my stubbornness and hardened heart contributing to it all, I have found the necessity to forgive. To forgive myself, to forgive my parents and anyone who has hurt me really. There is no way to build tenacity and resilience or even achieve peace of mind if your heart remains hardened and heavy. And provided what I have been through, I should probably be in an asylum, fearful, paranoid and broken to unrecognisable heights – but guess what firm tits energy will keep you afloat and floating through just fine. The firm tits energy is all that strengthens you, and this is all the wisdom and lesson learned along the way. Firm tits energy is also the ability to still see the good in people still and reclaiming your power and space and not shrink or be full of self-pity at the face of adversity.

On that note - listen to Erykah Badu - Bag Lady (a soundtrack to this post). 

To growth, to reaching closer to higher self every day. For it would be a shame to be stuck in old ways of surviving when truly life is to be lived and thriving a must. As we embark on a path of least resistance to build true resilience, we should enjoy and extend the fruits of forgiveness whilst we still can and have no regrets for all that has happened. Tomorrow is never guaranteed, seize this moment and seize it fully and love yours truly.

Love always 

Light in all ways 

And From Tracing My Roots, I Traced the Cracks and Mended Self Whole

Honeyyyysss and Bunnnniiieees,

Good sis is back with some press, because a bish been majorly pressed hunnnaaaayyyy-bun! Chileeeee’ this one’s a lot, edges, eyebrows, eyelids and moustaches have been tried!!!!!!! This one is even packaged with anxiety as much as you shall kiki and haha here and there - because in the face of adversity pain is to be felt and at times to be carried with laughter because what was we doing thuuur doe?! It’s saddening that I had deleted the former blog post ‘truth hurts, don’t be shocked if you get hurt’ I wrote last year, because Socio-boo can make you second guess your IQ, your intuition and reality altogether. But guess what – my intuition been there, just learning to validate it because the aliens brought it back….

Anyways, isn’t it our way to heal, if not to share life lessons whenever we have made sense of whatever madness we had been in?! But let me start by giving a soundtrack to this movie that has been the past 12 months, Beyoncé – Hold Up and Lizzo – Truth Hurts. As per the usual, music is healing, and music ironically and amusingly speaks on my behalf – hence me putting emphasis on lyrics and melodies. So grab your popcorn or your glass of wine or cup of tea ‘coz it’s about to be soulful and a bit funny ‘coz I been Booboo La Fool in these Streets and Stweets  shan – where a clown earns $51k a year, I been wearing the costume for free.99 for a whole gaddam year (but ain’t it the entire Kigali doe #AskingForFwends)?

That ain’t even all of it, because this movie can be given another soundtrack to it and it’s either Nonso Amadi – Kwasia or Beyoncé – Sorry, because in all of this my grinding was interrupted majorly but thank goodness it was not lost (Universe always saves you at the right time, because the energy you emit saves you and protects you. Karma is so real - just as the physic rule that posits that energy is only transformed, not created or destroyed - It will all come back full circle how you planted it). 

But let’s get to it? Why am I writing this blogpost? I think most of my posts are life lessons that I share as I live, love and learn. And this one is to be spoken about because too often we do have or meet and date sociopaths, too often we do get lost in the dizziness of the shuffles that are ‘feel good to the plan is destruction darling’ – an emotional rollercoaster. The two main indicators that you have encountered a sociopath is the psychology of these individuals and their behaviour which are characterized by a few descriptive points such as: lack of remorse and shame when called out on their messiness, projection of blame, guilt tripping others about personal toxic traits that are called out, no respect for boundaries, lack of moral compass, impulsiveness and irresponsibility, glorified and romanticized antisocial behaviour and illegal/risky practices that are done supposedly because of others and not because of a personal decision as a grown up, pathological lying as if no lie – no breathing occurs, etc.

As we begin this class, let’s start with the 101 when the manipulation begins – it starts with gaslighting, which will occur in private because the public and whatever happens there is a liability. Hence those who live hidden, leaving no trace, live well -because in the darkness no one will show you the light so you are free to manipulate, control and justify the intensities of your extremes using someone's pain to your profit - but still call it "love" (co-dependence named after interdependence) but could shallow wells have the range?!

“A Gaslighters is a master deflector. No matter what promise they've made and broken, no matter what they've done that is straight up wrong, no matter what words they've said that have hurt you to the core, if you confront them about it, they will:

·        act like they don't know what you are talking about;

·        try and make you feel like you are exaggerating or that you're being childish or petty and/or;

·        find some kind of excuse to make you feel guilty for bringing the issue(s) up in the first place.

What all of this basically boils down to is they refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. The main problem with this is, anyone who doesn't want to be held accountable in life is someone who is not only not emotionally mature enough for a real relationship, but they're also someone who will probably hurt you over and over again. Gaslighters are so arrogant that rarely do they see the need to.” – xonecole.com

On the 212 of this class, Sociopaths are different from Psychopaths, because it’s all learned behavior  for the case of Sociopaths – possible due to childhood circumstances, which then requires attention to heal from – because charm can only carry you from KH to KBC and it’s not okay to hurt people just because you have been hurt. But the news flash from Sociopaths is that they will hurt, use and abuse you with no remorse at all.  Forget that apology because it will never come forth – in fact ‘you are the cause of all that is wrong in the/their world’. Henceforth, no goodbye, no closure required – just keeps aladat moving to greener pastures and healthier and cleaner energies in your realm/energy field. 

            

12 Lessons for 12 months dating a Sociopath and 24 months confiding in two Narcissists at different times:

1. Neediness and Clinginess to Camouflage the Lack of Will To Give Back Or Be Responsible- Accompanied by threats to their own life which does interrupt your grinding, because all the attention has to be on them, where and when they need it. So, co-dependency is watered and witnessed. At times it’s hard to make sense of things in the beginning but as time goes you see that what’s being asked and done are far from healthy. For example, imagine that you need to pay your rent, but all of a sudden, the person needs an amount close to your rent ‘for an emergency’ – which you then discover that it was used to buy a new phone instead of paying rent.
2. Prey Trapping – Sociopaths are strategic about who they surround themselves with or perform attraction to. Often times, the more visible, the more emancipated, the more outspoken – the better for them because it then becomes an attractive challenge. The agenda is to tame and destroy a person to irreconcilable and unrecognisable lengths. They first google you, ask pertinent question about your past and you, conduct a full diagnosis of feel good and feel bad. Then they make impulsive and bold statements to lock you down and take as much as possible, once they have gained all that they want or needed from you.  
3. Guilt-Trip You To Trap You Into Isolation – everything in their world is wrong because of you and at times some of your personal traumas are used against you, so be careful enough to not overshare in the beginning of the relationship/friendship. As my Dad loves to say “the true measure of love is time” – is the person intentionally loving you throughout or it is dependent on whether you are being of utility and use. Is the person listening with deep compassion and showing efforts to see how two can meet in the middle? If what is asked is not given, there goes punishment with retracted affection, personal boundaries are overstepped and/or you find yourself apologizing when you haven’t done anything wrong or you stick around to be better or do better by them.
4. Exaggeration in Romantic and Friendship Relationships – Sociopaths and Narcissist play with your strings on the basis that ‘without you, no air is inhaled’ – your necessity is as grandiose as the relief programs for Covid-19 in developing countries. They shall tell you that you are the air and sun in the universe, even the water because without you their life is no more, but when present you and the couches are one and the same.
5. The Need To Control And Double Standards – To outsiders, you probably seem like perfection, peanut butter and jelly; because affection spikes in public and is non-existent in private. This technique is to continue carrying on the make believe but to also ensure that they know who and what you are doing because the basket of insecurities is overflowing, hence the need to control because they are well cognisant and conscious that you are deserving of better, more fulfilling and healthier encounters.
6. They Want You Most When You Are Not There - So there goes 3 calls in an hour, texts about sensitive topics whenever with someone better requiring immediate attention, accusations of infidelity, weird ass requests such as send me the pictures before you post them on Instagram…Like daffuq?! What is autonomy, independence of being – cyangwa ubyumvira mubihuha?
7. Refuse To Be Held Accountable And Apologize For Their Wrong Doings – Especially when it comes to other people’s pain. It is always a laughingstock or kunompfesha as if there is anything to be proud about when belittling others and minimizing their pain. When called out look at them twisting and justifying their acts in the name of ‘misguided empathy’. As if empathy is something a shallow well can feel – niggguuurz puliz….
8. Use And Abuses You To A Point Of Diming Your Light To Extinction - As they look for the new prey and prepare you mentally, unless you are grounded enough in your worth – death might as well be the final outcome- so if this sounds too familiar bounce with the quickness child and do never look back or else you open the door to abuse again. 
9. Make Believe Through Life, Because the Core Lacks Substance and The Coherence is Non-Existent – it’s all bluff and fluff- sheep in wolf’s clothes. The relationship status is never clear or coherent for you and others. What is confirmed and affirmed behind close doors is a sudden source of anxiety and panic in public. Go figure! The words, actions and intentions will always not go together. At some point kwinyuraguramo eventually comes up. The lack of clarity can last years if you ain’t brave to know exactly what you deserve and leave whenever healthy love is no longer served. At the end of the day, we all deserve a love with no betrayal, a love that is reciprocal, intentional and fulfils you with clarity, consistency and coherence in private and public. Or wait – that’s dreaming in colour and neons for Kigalians?!
10. Project All Their Traumas on You to Heal for Them While Triggering You Over and Over In The Name Of ‘I Am Your Wound Mate’- This manifests as victimizing themselves whenever there is work to be done but they refuse to do it for themselves. Truth is you can’t heal for someone, you can sojourn, but you can’t carry their healing, it ain’t your burden nor cross to carry because we ain’t Black and Joyous Jesus - are we now?!
11.  The Shuffle Between Affirmation and Destruction, Love And War, Peace And Rage – Just because it’s not physical does not mean it’s not abuse. Emotional and Mental abuse do exist in the form of silencing, gaslighting, stonewalling, self-harm which will be judged as caused by an external source instead of being responsible and accountable for one’s own toxic traits. Another thing that gets done is to project their insecurities on you and in the same breath they build you with affirmation, which is then immediately counteracted with a comment that touches on your most painful pain-point (studied earlier on).
12.  When People Take You Fi Idiat and Paint you Blue, Always Stay Gracious, It's the Only Saving Grace You Will Have  - Your best revenge is the glow and grow that will come out of cutting ties with all the toxicity and its kin - to focus on you, your paper and your sunshine routine pre Covid-19 and Sociopaths and Narcissistic encounters. Because people will talk whether you like it or not, so your truth is sacred to you only and shouldn’t be expected from those who have taken the stand to misunderstand you in apprehension! To Growth my loves!

"Never be afraid of the truth and your truth, only those filled with guilt are scared and stay in the dark which is never really means the lack of light, just more use of darkness than light." 

You may be confused at first, but trust your intuition, trust your friends, trust your family that whatever they are seeing is actually true – and you should believe and take people for who they are. Listen to your friends, family and other loved ones who see through a change in your behaviour that betrays your true self/nature. Don’t rush to justify the sociopath’s behaviour, be quick to listen to your intuition and to those who hold you together – not everyone can be wrong except the one person who is setting you against the rest of them all and the world at large - as if a pandemic. 

The moment your gut feeling goes off and slowly one alarm rings or you see some red flags, learn from me – don’t learn the hard way going through trauma because it is what is familiar to you – BOUNCE MY NIGGUS, BOUNCE! 

Why? Because you ain’t Black Joyous and Fantabulous Jesus – you really ain’t! And always and in all ways still see the good in people, just sieve through the intentions doe – wrong intentions until proven wrong! And, other people’s burdens aren’t yours to carry – focus on your grind, focus on your resurrections in the name of safe love!  Hrollleeellluuuurrr to the Lordt- as I continue to write down notes from every life lesson learnedtttttt!!!!!! 

Source: https://www.xonecole.com/are-you-dating-a-gaslighter-6-ways-to-tell/?rebelltitem=3#rebelltitem3

Be Your Own (Gaddamn) Peace

Hello Beloveds, 

Greetings from this side of 2019! Yes, a girl has crossed over on Monday 17th, done with the struggles of this long life and 2018's constant state of what the hell is going on. Merry New Year to you too! May your Christmas gift from you to you be to preserve your own peace and love, Kwanzaa! 

Let go, let love and light in. 

The only loyalty you owe is one that preserves your serenity and sanity.

2018, what a long and intense year! Transitions and changes are always uncomfortable, no matter how great a person is at taking on new adventures, cutting ties and moving places. Leaving is easy for some people, letting go is second nature and moving on is swift and smooth - that you'd have to re-introduce yourself and remind those people who you are and where you met (again?). This has never been me. I struggle to get to that point of being done with a situation and/or people. I always believed in giving people chances, communicating what is not working and see how we can work through things moving forward (your needs can only be met when you communicate them, no one reads minds - if they do they are scamming you). 

I struggled to remove myself from situations and spirits not only because of my existing abandonment issues, but mostly because I believed in being compassionate - people go through things and a one-time incident may justify a certain reaction or action at a given time. So, I always thought that it is kinder and more empathetic to first get to know why a person acted a certain way, which usually gave me an opportunity to also assess whether I had a part to play in the happenings - whether I attracted or condoned chaos. However, as much as my mentor hoped that my heart's posture will not change and my mother prayed that I will not be the outcome of my environment - 2018 taught me to let go and not give a fudge - with no regrets, no guilt and no fear. I learned a couple more things which I am going to share, as you read on. 

What a test of my patience and my resilience, as I look back and reflect. Chillleeey (grab some popcorn), I am shooketh I still have thine edges, altogether. I am even more shocked that I am still alive and sane. This year has been a test of my patience, my sanity, my character and my existence, altogether; not only personally (personal relationships - friends and family) but professionally too. I was in the hot seat and receiving blows from both angles, it led me to have an existential crisis. 

I wondered whether something was inherently wrong with me, why is it that the humans in my life were drawn to display and unleash all of their demons in them, then and now? What is the purpose of being raised and growing up in so much chaos and dysfunction? Even, when I left some spaces, cut ties with some people, tried to heal from existing traumas to preserve my peace and not be changed by my environment; something else popped up and way too soon. Besides, had I gone to school for this, though? Did I come back to my home country for this, though? Was I born for this much dysfunction? Is there something in me that attracts this energy or behaviour? 

I am naturally nice (if you have met me - please excuse my face, if you ever felt some type of way, it needs redemption), I am as peaceful as a baby panda (excluding adolescence)...Lord, I did not crucify Jesus I was only in your thoughts when all of that went down, I never killed anyone's cat, I stay minding my business; I need answers as of yesterday, what's happening? Lord, Can you please come back from your Bora Bora vacation and give me a sign? Welp!!!!

After re-evaluating my whole existence, my personal and professional choices, I realised a few things...

"You cannot heal from the same environment (people and places) where you got sick"

It's very important to not appoint ourselves as responsible and accountable to clean up people's messes, carry the cross of surrendering to their emotional and human experiences on earth or submitting to their opinions- As a recovering co-dependent, feeling needed and solving other people's problems - being the Jesus in other people's lives- is what made me thrive, gave me purpose and meaning, and a whole lot of joy. Not in the sense of 'oouuhh I am such a nice person look at me, look I am fixing so and so life's problems and doing good for the planet and its inhabitants', I may ascend to heaven and not be laid like all other mere mortals (taps myself on the back). I was intentionally present for others because I knew what pain, shame and fear felt like and the despair one experiences when they are alone/unseen/unheard. 

The lesson learned from this first realisation was that if I was not careful and did not impose any boundaries to preserve my sanity and replenish my cup when depleted; I ended up being either a punching bag for people who refused to deal with their own traumas or a dumping site for people who are fatally frustrated. This is not to mean that I cannot be a safe place for others, it's mostly about being a safe place for myself first, and not allow toxicity to temper  or compromise my sanity. 

In the quest of being an empath, boundaries are important! People and situations are not projects that need to be FIXED, humans have the capacity and ability to solve their own problems and to also be accountable and responsible to make healthier choices for themselves. People are to be treated with respect and dignity even when they are wildin' or strugglin'; never in a day should someone offering support openly display some savior complex (keep it on the low low inside yourself). Circumstances also unfold whichever way the universe and time dictates. Therefore, really there is nothing to stress about - relax, nothing is in control. 

All these realisations led me to, now, see support and presence as accompanying (sojourning as my therapist says) a person, listening to them but not solving their problems, allowing them to get to the light all by themselves. Not only is this method effective because it teaches people to be accountable and responsible for their own wellbeing - and guaranteeing impactful implementation of their own resolutions - but it also allows me, the recovering co-dependent yet caring person, to stay in check, enforce boundaries, remain consistent and not extend myself beyond what I can handle. 

Find what gives meaning to your life - What is that thing that makes you happy, healthy, and preserves your serenity and guarantees your perennity? For this lesson learned, I had to identify what the source of my essence and existence was. Was anything that gave meaning to my life - internally or externally sourced? Was I seeking validation and purpose from others or from my job? I found that it was 50-50, but should have been 99% from me and 1% from others (1% because I live on earth, amongst humans and being acknowledged feels good - don't even lieee, even to yourself). 

Even if 99% of the meaning to my life had to come from myself, I had to make sure that the factors considered were not only healthy but also safe. As I mentioned earlier, it used to give me meaning to nurse everyone's hurting heart, appease their troubled thoughts and fix everyone's problems, and be the Messiah to all that were in need. A whole Olivia Pope for wahala. Well, this is not healthy to want to be someone's hero or saviour, knowing that I am actually not equipped to meet everyone's needs and mine included. I had turned into an emergency room with no medical degree whatsoever. 

It was not safe nor healthy to make such choices or to extend myself and spread myself too thin to invisible; especially when the tables turned and I was the one in a time of great need , alladem peoplez I thought would pull through for me were no show (ghosting is not only for situationships fam, even the fam and the closest friends can do it,too). This is not to say that all that a person has to do needs to be repaid, but reciprocity and consistency are a thaaannngggg, a major key to maintain healthy and nurturing relationships! 

If you know that you can't handle the depth and the complexity that comes wih a human being, then just don't be chasing waterfalls and oceans - stick to the ponds and inflatable pools you are used to and save everyone's time and oxygen. Shallow works for some, it's okay because to each their own- but people deserve to know how far you are able and ready to go to act accordingly and keep it at the surface level!

A major major lesson learned was to be emotionally independent - which was all that was left to achieve full autonomy and self-sufficiency. As my grandma says - Umuntu arigira yakwibura agapfa. This litteraly translates into "You are on your own!", "You can only depend and rely on yourself" - or else you'll die in your own movie, basically! 

Know thyself and stay true to thyself - Liseeeun!! I am all for knowing myself, continuous improvement and being the best version of the prototyp-E. This growth process requires to consider feedback and energies in your immediate professional and personal circles. The danger of not knowing thyself is that one will have the tendency to believe that all that they are told is true. 

This year, I was led to be in touch with my feelings about the human experience and learn how to name them and process them (hello emotional constipation). I was also pushed to listen to my intuition, because I mostly went by momma's feelings and observations of things (she be knowin'). I didn't even know I had one (an intuition); because I had been afraid to trust my gut feeling-it had no scientific basis to its reactions or rational explanation I could google or find stats for. It was also hard to accept the reality of certain energies I was surrounded by (like some people and places are not good for you, even if that one time in 1926 they were good for you and you're trying to hold onto that image, memory and feeling - see people for who they are and how they present themselves- forget digging for the good (gold) when all that you are shown repeatedly is bums and all that you have been finding when digging is mostly dirt). 

The most important lesson I learned, here, was to strike a balance between humility (in the sense of recognising that I am no saint, nor perfect and that there is enough room for improvement) and developing a muscle of unbothereness against people's criticism often fed and fueled by their unresolved internal battles and insecurities. Remember beloved, a lot of the time it has nothing to do with you. Look closely, look impartially. A gentle reminder beloved, you are not responsible to appease the storms in others - your only responsibility is to get rid of your demons and distance yourself from anyone who makes you holler at them louder!

Again, the issue with not knowing oneself is that any cold avalanche of harsh commentary will destroy you and any deceitful heat wave of compliments will sway you astray. So, build a foundation on the knowledge you gathered of yourself, be anchored in this knowledge and let it be a barometer of anything else that you hear. Is it noise or is it noiceeee (nice)? Whichever way know yourself boo, do not be boo boo the fool, boo! 

Know your worth, know your power and when to leverage them to create the life you desire! 

Heaven is what you create and hell is what you tolerate. 

Test and see that observation is good - Patterns and pathology are a real thing. It's just so wonderful to realise that after all this time you are sane and that whatever you have been experiencing is not only valid and real; but also not in your head - but actually experienced and seen by others too. 

Yes, this is the moment where a survivor of gaslighting realises that they are actually not crazy for feeling and realising certain things. Alladem (all of them) deceitful humanbeans (human beings) end up ricing (rising), showing their true colors one day or another. When you see it, believe it!!!! It is heyaaa (here)!!!! 

Yiiii,  iyo witonze abantu bageraho bakivamo da (when you sit back and watch, people eventually show their true colors)!!!! Ngo, ntawutsitara kwibuye ryagaragaye ma (you cannot stumble upon a stone/rock you have seen)!!!!

Let us stop excusing bad behaviour and ill-treatment, let us also fight against complaining that the bad behaviour is persistent while simultaneously and passionately justifying why we are staying in such situations. We have more power than we think to flip the narrative and execute a shift. For the good of the environment and the planet. 

When you observe a pattern, sit and watch and take notes for future use; don't even bother tryna fight, checking people- telling them where it's at, correcting and reprimending, who has the power, who is the baddest, and being all confrontational like you are a cast member of LHH-ATL. Waste your energy and oxygen not, beloved! You're not getting paid to be dramatic, you won't win an oscar for being the best actor/ress in the movie of lies and deception that you single handedly create (because the Lord exposes everything to light, everyday not only on judgement day). Even if you are paid to partake in drama and dysfunction, well is it worth compromising yourself? You're the bag (your safety, integrity and serenity), secure yaself, first and foremost. 

Life is not linear or completely black and white, nothing is set in stone either - depending on the situation, you may need to be mature and do the adult thing to have a respectful and honest conversation with a person (should you deem that relationship healthy and important to you) and other times you gon' drop em like hot potatoes because liseeeuun preserving one's peace and health is of essence and utmost urgency, at this point! Some relationships need no closure, some people don't deserve the effort either. Especially, when they show no remorse, accountability or specialise in denial and shifting the blame.Whichever choice you make, remain consistent with yourself and stand by your choices. 

It is also important to know your people. In true virgo style, ain't nobody tryna win Miss Congeniality and fake smile through this social life to appear nice (there are not enough Beyoncé hours in a day to do that and adult/human, all at the same time). So, know who your real ones are and who your fake ones are. Who is manufactured in high end and who is manufactured in fast fashion (some people are here for a good time not a long time, don't you be out here extending their connection period when the expiry date was two incidents ago). For legitimate and obvious reasons, the real ones are few, very few, close to none...no, it's not that bad...But yeah, they could be just 2, that's enough support to be honest. 

Don't hold people in such high esteem when you have been shown who/what they are in your life for - giving them a huge space in your heart, playing favourites, giving them center stage and a main role in your life- when they ain't tryna know you like that. 

To reiterate, the only way to know your people is to observe tendencies and patterns over time. The measure of what is real and genuine is consistency and reciprocity- factoring in the other person's capacity to show up in their own individual(ity) way- not expecting to be anyone's priority and reason to live and breathe or expecting them to show up how you show up (people's love languages are different and people present themselves differently). Diversity is good and necessary.  Different is respectable and acceptable. Expectations should also be aligned with reality (what can be done) and communicated logically and honestly (how the person is able to do it). 

The sauce lies in the intentions - are you seeing the person making an effort to meet you half way, from where they stand and for what they can and are able to do? Are you also doing the same or sitting back in your entitlement of life's abundance of good things you are not offering?

"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." Matthew 7:6 - KJV

I never understood this Bible verse prior to 2018. I felt like the Lord was high key throwing shade with this one. Like how dare you Higher Power, what are the pearls first of all and who are the swine, Lord? Why big/heavy words, Lord, why? Was Matthew previously writing for the Shaderoom? Asking for a friend...

In my sinner's understanding of this verse, pearls are your pain and power, your joy and sorrow - in short your story. The holy is you, you are sacred even if the world may have soiled you. Not everyone deserves you, not everyone needs and should be gifted with your story, not everyone deserves to be in your life and space either. You don't have to answer to anyone, except whatever legally binds you to certain obligations. Because, sadly, when you welcome absolutely any and everyone in your life and you share a piece of information (you) that you treasured, in the hopes that the treasure will be recognised as one, appreciated or  serving to strengthen a bond; fam, that's how people use your pain against you for their personal benefit, plot to obstruct you from realising your potential or categorise you as a charity project. 

Yup, the same snake that deceived Eve, is the same snake that has reincarnated a few more times and flipped the script to pull an Adam. Plot twist - stay woke, don't sleep on yourself being in denial of the side effects of a bite and the toxins it will infiltrate in your system. Also, the human race has been overrated since homo neanderthal. Don't play yourself thinking er'body nice. Even salt looks like sugar and claims to be sweet, until you get a taste and woooooooowwwwww wtf????!!!!!

The moment you realise a certain pattern, with clear red flags, has been sustained, from places or people, being it - negativity, gossip, emotional immaturity, judgement and prejudice, opportunism, flakiness and ghosting, abuse of any kind, bigotry, lack of empathy and mindfulness, jealousy, inconsistency, dishonesty, dysfunction, dissonance- leave my child (in my aunt's voice)! 

Preserve your story, your pain, your aspirations, your feelings and thoughts, your vulnerability, your energy and your achievements-keep those gems and pearls for the real ones. Not everyone who smiles at you is your friend or family, or has good intentions towards you; not everyone who inquires actually cares, not everyone who compliments you genuinely acknowledges your charm, not everyone who shares a part of them with you wants to know you at that level either or is in actual need of relief/release.  

Beware of fatally frustrated human beings. Beware of those who project their traumas, anger and fears on you. Beware of those who refuse to deal with their own demons. Beware of the drama queen/king that claims that everyone else is dramatic, when the crown on their head is the heaviest. Beware of those who loudly claim to be powerful until put in a position of power and dololo (means nothing in SeTswana)! Beware of those who come running to save you and your soul, when they haven't saved themselves from their own toxicity. Bottom line, beware of dissonance - monkey see, monkey do. 

Discern through the noises and the noices you are served. 

Don't expose yourself to messy and be out here expecting clarity in the same heartbeat! 

Keep the same energy! 

Maintain some level of consistency!

Mkaayyy (okay), those were the little life lessons learned from the past long year, long life and occupancy on planet earth! I have been humbled, hence I am seated in most of the pictures. Clearly, I have also developed data points with a narrative that led me to certain conclusions about the human experience, enclosed in this 2018 life report. I have not understood everything in life yet, but I have been growing and taking notes. 

Moving forward, know yourself beloved, love yourself beloved, heal yourself beloved, and flourish beloved. Establish healthy boundaries as tall and deep rooted as those walls Trump aspires to build. Establish a zero tolerance policy for negativity, drama and dysfunction and mitigate any risk of externally created anxiety and toxicity. 

Create your life experience, be accountable and responsible for this to happen. Remove anything and anyone that does not serve you from your life ( "serve" - to mean anyone or anything that does not contribute to your peace and growth -- in the well meaning approach to contributing to someone else's growth. 

Because, side note: beware of some people who are perpetual haters, always arising to the occasion to certify themselves as naysayers, bubble busters and fixers who have apparently understood life better than other human beings and who are bigger, better, bolder, braver and smarter - aka Narcissist Nellias and Self-righteous Seths - who often cut you in the middle of your time sharing something sensitive or painful or joyful to stress a point, interrupt you to compare your struggle with someone else's or theirs to prove a point that they are either better or stronger, repressing you with basic gaslighting sentences such as 'it's not that bad, it's in your head, don't be negative' and those negating your feelings, and lastly those who often than not enjoy sharing their UNSOLICITED opinions like they are paying any of your bills). 

REMOVEEEE the bloodclot (in the thickest Jamaican accent)!

I am not one to have resolutions, but cheeeyazzz (cheers) to keeping the same energy, living authentically, breathing and sleeping peacefully and shining freely! 

Thank you for coming to my free.99 TED talk and Merry New Year!

Dress: Aliexpress

Earrings: Maasai Market 

Melanin: Mama's making and getting tonz of rays of sunshine